So I opened the mailbox to see something from Gladney. I could tell it was pictures & I knew it was my update.

I was a little hesitant to open it because Brit* forewarned me that I may not be able to recognize him...

I read the letter first they make it seem like he's so grown up already .The way they wrote the letter it made me feel like I was there.

Then I looked at the pictures... Brit* was right. Jake* was of course handsome, but he looked so different already. It made me cry... I just can't believe how much he changed in a month and a half.

He looks so happy with his parents and extended family. He's definitely going to have a ownderful life with Stacy* & Brent*.

I'm so glad they are sending me updates.

I think I want to move to Texas once I'm done with school. Maybe I'll become roomies with Britt* again. Ha.

I'd love to work in the PR dept at Gladney. I think they'd be a great company to work for. I feel like I owe them for helping me through such a difficult time. But mostly I'd really just like to work there.

I'd have to write Stacy* & Brent* if I chose to move back to Texas. I'd want them to know that I'm living there and at the same time, I don't want them to think I want anything from them. I'm not going to try & find them or threaten them as a family.

...I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

It's weird... mom was there for me during the hardest time of my life and I greatly appreciate that. I feel we are closer now& that I can talk to her about anything.

Now that we're home, she's pushing me to register for school & get a job. I want to do it; I need to do it... but in my own time. I'm not quite ready to deal with new people.

It seems like sometimes mom & dad forget what I went through... they think I'm A-okay, because they don't see me cry myself to sleep just about every night. I don't want them to have to worry about me so I kinda let the emotions out when I'm alone.

Maybe that's wrong of me...

Wow I can't believe Jake* is one month old today. It feels like just yesterday was the day I welcomed him into this world.

I hope he's doing okay. I hope Brent*& Stacy*are telling him how much he is loved...

So... I had a difficult time today I got asked the dreaded question:

"Do you have kids?"

I automatically said no because I didn't fell like getting into the story of adoption... but as soon as I said no my heart hurt because I felt like I was denying Jake*.

I don't know how to answer that question... mom says to answer with "I'm a godparent" I guess maybe that will work... I mean I believe God chose me to bring Jake* into this world for Brent* & Stacy*...

I found a birth parent support group to attend I think it will be beneficial for me to go. I need to meet people around me who know what I'm going through.

So I finally finished the updated Jake* video. I burned a copy to send to him. I also sent Jake * a CD with all the little videos of me & him. I want him to have those so he can see the special moments we shared, because they will always hold a special place in my heart.

So I talked to Britt* the other day. And wow she's in pretty bad shape. I know she got really attached to Ann* because she was in transitional for 30 days... and I know she was having a hard time coming back to Gladney; that's why she never showed up for my visits to meet Jake*... I wish I lived closer to her.

It kinda makes me feel as if I'm cold hearted or something. I miss Jake * greatly, but I'm okay with my decision. I know he is in good hands, & I know he is loved very much.

Maybe Kim was right... since I let my emotions out along the way. It makes things a little less emotional for me?

Maybe it's because I got a chance to form a friendship with Brent* & Stacy* and I'm confident in them as parent to Jake* & as friends to me.

...I hope Brit* will be okay.

...I hope I'm healing properly & that it's alright that I'm "okay"

Sigh. Birthmother's Day. It's been a constant day of thinking about Jake*...

I miss him so much. I miss his smell I miss his little noises. I miss his handsome face his big feet, & his beautiful smiles. I miss holding him, playing paddy cake & singing to him...I wish I could hold him again...just have one more day with him...

Stacy* & Brent* emailed me to wish me a Happy Birthmother's Day. They also sent some pictures in the email. Naturally I cried when I saw them. But they all look so happy. They make a beautiful family. I'm in pain, but seeing those pictures of the three of them still makes me believe this was God's plan for me----to make them a family...

It's good to be home. To see my dad & family, to see the dog, to sleep in my own bed.

The weird thing is; I'm emotionally okay. Yes it's only been 5 days & I know it may hit me later, but for now I'm okay. I don't know if it's because the reality of things haven't quite caught up to me, or maybe because of my relationship with Brent* & Stacy*.

I truly & honestly believe they are going to keep me updated on Jake*. And that they're going to raise Jake* with the knowledge of my existence.

I think my faith in them is why my heart is going to be okay...

I.'m sitting on the plane... When we took off I started crying because I knew I was leaving Jake*, Stacy* & Brent* behind and who know if or when I'd get the pleasure of seeing them again...

I've been fighting with myself on whether or not to tell friends where I really was & what I went through. I'm damn proud of Jake* and don't regret my decision. But at the same time, I don't think I'm ready to be judged if someone doesn't agree with adoption.

I guess I'll make my mind up when the opportunity to tell someone arises.

I miss Jake* so much already. But I'm okay... or a maybe I'm trying to push the pain away.

I called some friends today & came to the realization I'm gonna be pretty lonely once I get home. This whole experience changed who I am as a person. and for the better. I realize there's a lot more important things than parties, getting together with friends, & worrying about the little things. I know I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I'm determined to finish school & make a better life not only for me, but so someday Jake* can be proud of me. If I don't make a better life for myself, then there was no point of doing adoption... I just need to focus on me.

I'm still numb... I said my goodbyes to Jake*, I said my goodbyes to Gladney, Kim & Mary. It's been an emotional day, but I want to write about it...

Mom & I had an hour with Jake* before placement. The visit was a quiet one. We just held Jake* cried & each took our time alone to talk to him. It was extremely hard. When mom gave me a chance to be alone with him, I tried to talk to him, but I couldn't get any words out. I just cried & held him as close as I could. Finally I got my emotions under control & I eventually was able to tell Jake* everything I wanted to & I sang our song "You Are My sunshine" to him one last time. When I saw Kim walk through the door, I felt my stomach drop & my heart ache... it was time to begin placement.

Before my placement day, I've been told numerous times that walking down the hall & into the room would be the hardest part. That wasn't true for me. It sounds weird, but i was excited to see Brent & Stacy*. I was a little nervous to walk through the door, but as soon as I opened the door & saw S&B's * smiling faces, I was okay. They were so excited to see not only Jake* but also me. First thing I did was show off Jake* in his special "dress up" outfit with the blue mock vest , hat & bow tie. He looked adorable. I knew I had to give Jake * over to B &S* to hold. It was rough. But I knew that's where Jake* belonged. I showed B & S* the final scrapbook, treasure box, bear, recording & everything else I had for Jake*. My favorite song growing up was "Somewhere out there" from the movie Fiefel Goes West. So in the Goodnight Moon book I wrote the quote "Somewhere Out There, Beneath the Pale Moon light. Someones thinking of Me & Loving Me Tonight" & wrote that every time I look at the moon, I'll be thinking of him...

Stacy & Brent* then gave me a beautiful necklace with two hearts, one silver, one gold, it's beautiful. To me it symbolizes the two different families or love that Jake* has. (I like it better than the adoption jewelry b/c S & B* picked it out just for me, so it's kinda more special) Stacy* then said she wrote me a letter for later, but Brent* wrote me a poem he wanted to read. It was rough for Brent* to read out loud; he got choked up a few times. I was doing okay until he started to read. The poem was titled "how do we say thanks" The poem is absolutely wonderful. I don't think Brent* will ever know how much it means that he wrote that just for me. It meant a lot that he and Stacy* weren't afraid to show their emotions in front of me. They were emotional. They were happy & that's okay. But at the same time, they respected the pain I was in.

Mom read "Legacy of an Adopted Child" & then I played my video. Everyone loved it. Finally it was time for Mom & me to say goodbye. Stacy * handed Jake* to mom so she could say goodbye. That's when my tears started to flow because I knew I was next. Stacy* saw the pain i was in & took me in her arms. I just hugged her & cried until mom handed Jake* over to me. He looked so handsome, all I could do was cry. I didn't know what to say... it was silent in the room, so everyone could hear what I was saying to him. All I could get out was how much I loved him. I gave him a hug & kiss then handed him to his mom & dad. I thanked Brent & Stacy* & gave Brent * a hug. When I gave Stacy* a hug, she whispered "I love you" in my ear which made me cry harder. I gave Jake* one last kiss, pleaded that they please take good care of him. I turned around & started crying so hard that I was shaking. Mom just hugged me & sorta had to give me a push to start walking out the door. I wanted to look back & say goodbye, but I knew it would hurt too bad to see Jake* again right then. Walking down the hall knowing I'm leaving without my son, it hurt so bad. My heart & body wanted me to run back down the hall, take Jake* & scream that I change my mind. But my mind knew I was doing the right thing. It may hurt like hell, but it's what Jake* deserved.

Next I had to say goodbye to Kim. It was rough too. Where would I be without her? This is the woman that took me under her wing, listened to my crying & complaining. Allowed me to barge in when it wasn't my appointment time, & most importantly, helped me make a plan for my son's life. Kim's an amazing woman. I will be eternally grateful to her.

Leaving Gladney for the last time was bittersweet. A lot of drama, but also a lot of friends. Jake* memories * Brent/Stacy* memories were made here. I honestly don't know where I'd be without Gladney...

When mom & I got in the car & started driving to her friends place in Dallas, it didn't take me long to read Stacy's* letter. It's just what I needed. To read her opinion about me & to know she considered me family... it's what I needed to hear after saying goodbye to them.

Mom & I arrived at her friends place and after dinner I excused myself to my room to be by myself. I don't want my emotions to get in their way...

Jake* had a big day today. I had my last two hour visit with him. It was a somber visit. My mom & I just sat there holding Jake* & crying for a while. Mom was trying to be strong for me, but I know she can tell how much I'm hurting... even though I'm trying to hide it. Most of the visit, I sat on the couch with Jake* sleeping on my chest. It made me feel like I was really close to him and I could whisper how much I love him in his ear. Eventually mom & I got Jake* dressed in the outfit that said "handsome". He got placed in the bassinet & went out to the hall to wait for our guests.

Jake* met his parents today. I waited in the hall for Brent & Stacy*. When their caseworker walked them down the hall, I overheard her reassure Stacy* that everything will be okay. They both looked up at me and we all smiled. We all hugged. We knew it was going to be an emotional day. I first introduced them to mom. then I picked Jake* up & introduced Brent & Stacy* to their son. Stacy* cried as soon as she saw me pick him up. Brent* of course was being a man about it all. Haha. They checked out his big feet & his adorable face. I handed him over to Stacy* & we all sat down on the couch. I could tell B & S* were nervous. They probably felt as if mom & I were judging how they handled Jake*. Not that we were testing them, but if we were, S & B* would have passed with flying colors. Jake* just starred at Stacy's* face as if he were imprinting her face in his memory. She fed him, burped him, & sang to him. Brent* felt comfortable with Jake* too. I think it made mom feel good when Jake*was sleeping on Brent's* lap because Jake's* hands were up in the sign of a happy baby. There were a lot of tears shed between the 3 of us girls. Mom & I shared Jake* stories while S & B* questioned my mom to get to know her a little better. When the end of the visit was coming S & B* left us to say our goodbyes to Jake*. We made plans to meet up fro dinner. Mom & I told Jake* how much we loved him & then we said goodbye.

...that visit was good for me. I'm glad Brent & Stacy* agreed to it. Seeing them with Jake* tugged at my heart strings, but it helped me not only to get a lot of my crying out, but also it reassured me that I chose the right couple. they already loved Jake* so much & he felt absolutely comfortable with them. I should recommend this kind of visit to the other girls...

Dinner was emotional, yet wonderful. It was a good chance for mom to bond with Stacy & Brent*. At first the conversation was light, just general info about each other. Mom shared some stories of me as a child. She also asked S & B* about the adoption process. Mom then proceeded to make me & Stacy* cry by saying that she doesn't want Jake* to think I didn't love him. She wants him to know I love him & that's why I made this adoption plan for him. She then thanked S & B* for being open to me meeting Jake* in the future if that's what he would want. She told them that she thinks I couldn't have chosen a better couple to be Jake's* parents and that she feels better because she knows Jake* will be with two people who will love him dearly. I think dinner overall was a success. I'm glad mom & Brent & Stacy* got to meet one another. I wish dad could have been here...

I finished my scrapbook & video. I got my basket together. The hardest part was recording my message to Jake*. How can you sum up everything you're feeling & thinking in one recording? How do you know what he's gonna want to hear in 18 years? or if he'll even listen to it... it took me many drafts & attempts to get through it without crying hysterically. I said what I wanted to say; my main point to make sure he knows that I love him dearly. That I did what I thought was best for him... I hope he understands one day...

God, please give me the strength and courage I need to get through Placement day tomorrow.

Jake* is absolutely adorable in green. We had a wonderful visit today. This was a our last full visit together, so we cherished every second. I enjoyed taking videos of me playing and singing with Jake*. He cracks me & mom up with all his funny faces. He loves to complain with little noises. I think his favorite things are being rocked& being in his swing. Jake* is one week old today & he's fighting to try & hold up his head. He is going to be a smart boy, I can tell. Even though my heart hurts because I know I have to say goodbye to him in two days, it doesn't matter. He's always been able to make me smile no matter what has been going through my mind this week. I just can't explain how much I love him.

Mom & I did some last minute errands tonight. I'm working hard on my video...

Oh my gosh. Jake* looked so cute in his little pants outfit today. He really did look like a little man. Mom & I had a great visit today. Jake's* tummy was feeling better, so he was all smiles today. Literally. We got some great photos & videos of his many smiles. He's just too adorable. I enjoyed spending my time with him. I just love him so much.

I gave my plants to all the house moms & said my thank you's to them today. I know they don't hear it a lot because usually when a birth mom goes to them, it's with a complaint. But those house moms do everything to try and make our stay enjoyable. All of them were a great help to me and I just wanted them to know they are appreciated.

I packed everything up today. Mom arrived today. She came & picked me up for lunch. I don't think I've ever gotten such a big hug from her as I did when she first saw me. It was great to see her. We talked at lunch as if the past 3 months didn't happen. It was nice to be able to freely talk to my mom for the first time.

We were back at Gladney by 1:30 . I showed my mom the dorm & then we waited for Mary to arrive with Jake*. I knew it was going to be an emotional day.

When I heard the knock at the door & saw Mary walking down the hall with my little man, I knew the tears were going to start. Sure enough I looked at my mom & she was already crying. I let her hold Jake* first. Her & Mary got along great. Mom couldn't get over how handsome Jake* was. Mary left us to our visit & there was a lot of silence. I was just watching mom enjoy her time with her grandson. I think she's cherishing every minute. I barely got to hold Jake*, but it was okay. He had some stomach problems because we had to change his diaper like every 30 mins. Mary said she might ask the Dr. tomorrow about changing the formula. This was the first time I really heard him cry. It broke my heart that he wasn't feeling good & I couldn't help him/ All we could do was hold him & ding to him. After Mary picked him up, my mom & I moved me out of the dorm. I was SO excited. W got onto the hotel & went shopping for a placement outfit for Jake*, gifts for the houseparents, Kim & Mary.

It feels good to be out. :)

My visit with Jake* was wonderful today. Jesse* & Rachel* came to meet Jake* along with Amara. Jake* was an angel. No crying at all. Hew was perfectly content. I just can't get over how handsome he is. Amara* only stayed for a few minutes. Jesse* & Rachel* stayed the whole visit. I kinda wished they would have given me some alone time, but at the same time, I got some really good pictures of me with Jake*.

Tomorrow Jake* will be introduce to Grammy.

I slept so good last night. I think it was a mixture of my emotions I'm going through & the fact that I still haven't caught up to the exhaustion of giving birth...

I woke up knowing that it's going to be a rough morning. I met with Kim today to sign my papers. Yes I officially signed my parental rights away today. I thought I'd be okay because I've read through the sample papers several times to prepare myself. Yeah... It didn't help. Actually hearing Kim say things like"it's in the child's best interest that this child-parent relationship is terminated permanently".---- It hit you like a ton a bricks. I think I was trying to be strong & hold it in, but when Heather looked at me and reassured me that it's ok to cry, I lost it.

I know this is what I needed to do, but it doesn't mean it hurt any less. I'm going through this pain to give Jake* the best life possible, I know that. They could have been a little nicer with the words in the legal documents...

I had my first visit with Jake* at Gladney today too. I was so excited when I saw Mary walking down the hall with him. Mary ended staying most of the visit talking with me about everything. I'm so glad me & Jake* got her for transitional care! When Jake* & I were alone, Jake* got his first ride in a swing & he loved it. We also played paddy cake & itsy bitsy spider. Then we just rocked in the rocking chair while I told him again why I'm sharing him with Brent & Stacy* and how much I loved him. Eventually Mary came to pick him up & we said our goodbyes, I was okay because I knew I would see him again tomorrow..

I called Brent & Stacy* to tell them about my first visit with Jake* & that I signed my papers. They already knew about the papers. They offered to pay for me to stay at a hotel until my mom comes Tuesday.. I would have jumped on the offer, but I wouldn't have a way of getting to my visits. And I wasn't about to miss out on my Jake* visits.

I woke up early this morning to have Jake* delivered to my room. I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could. We had a great day singing & looking at the trees through the windows. I'm amazed at how peaceful he is. Since he was born, i haven't really heard him full-out cry. He whimpers & complains. He makes the cutest sounds and he's very alert. he doesn't sleep much.

I am in so much pain, but it didn't even matter once Jake* came into my room. I was focused on him...

Leaving the hospital was absolutely devastating. It hurt so bad to leave Jake* behind. To see a mother leaving with her newborn the same time as me was heart wrenching. It was like someone stabbed me in the side, it hurt like hell. Why does she get to keep her baby? It's not fair. When we pulled away from the hospital, I kept looking backwards because I felt like I left a huge part of me behind.

Arriving back at the dorm was pure hell. I was so glad Sandrine was the weekend houseparent. Amara* greeted me to our room with a smile even though we had our differences the day I left. As soon as Cynthia left me, Sandrine, & Amara* alone I broke down in tears & fell into Sandrine's arms. She knew it was hard for me to leave Jake* behind. The rest of the day I shared pictures with Amara* & talked to Rachel* about the labor process. Then I just been keeping to myself.

If it hurt to leave Jake* at the hospital, I can't even imagine what placement day will be like...

Oh man. The pain down below has intensified today. It hurts to sit, walk, or lie down. It's been a busy day. Kim came to visit with Jake* & me, She said he was handsome. When she left, I spent some quality time with my baby boy. I just lied with him in the hospital bed, & we talked. Jake* passed his hearing test today. He got to meet Crystal too. She came to visit me for awhile. While she was here, Jake* "got his first official photo" taken. Heather came to visit & Sandrine called. Like I said... busy day!

I just about had a heart attack when I was feeding Jake*. He spit up & started turning blue. I tried to suction, but it didn't help. Luckily a nurse cam e& helped. I started crying hysterically. The rest of the day Jake* & I just lied down with one another. Tonight was the first time I sang him "You are my sunshine". I sang it to him while he was in my tummy, but it's more special now.

B & S* sent me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers.

I was supposed to be discharged today, but Dr. Irwin extended my stay since Jake* has to stay one day longer than usual because of his fever. At least I get one more day with him before moving back into the dorm...

Welcome to the World

Jake Lee*

7.15lbs 20.5 inches

This morning was kinda slow I didn't feel anything at all. I had my epidural before Dr. Irwin broke my water. The epidural worked wonders. I honestly didn't fell anything until around 4:15pm, when I got the sudden urge to use the restroom. Mary said it was the baby;s head putting pressure on my pelvis. Suzy checked me & sure enough I was dilated to a 10. She went to get Dr. Irwin... Suzy & Lynn made start doing practice pushes at 4:30pm. I did & she told me to stop, but I couldn't , sure enough Dr. Irwin got there & I pushed three times & then I heard the most beautiful baby's cry. Jake* was born at exactly 5:00pm. Only 30 minutes of pushing? not bad! It really didn't even hurt to much. Getting stitched up was worse. But I didn't care about the pain... I was too focused on the beautiful baby boy I just brought into the world. Absolutely amazing. i only got to hold him for a minute because he was born with slight fever. But I tell you what, that one minute was the most magical moment of my life. Getting to meet the little man who's been inside me for the past 9 months, I can't explain it. I never knew you could love someone so much. Holding him for that one minute reassured me I'm doing the right thing for him. I can't give this little one the life he deserves, but his soon to be parents can. Well, I'm gonna call the parents, boyfriend, B&S*, etc.

He is so beautiful. It seemed like forever until Jake* was able to be with me again. At least it gave me time to eat my Wendy's that Mary got me. Haha. I got to talk to mom & dad. and Shane*... but he aggravates me. I don't care what guy Jake* looks like. He's beautiful, and I love him regardless of who his father is or isn't. I moved rooms. I'm in a nicer recovery room. Jake* was finally able to join me shortly after 9pm. He was all wrapped up in his blankets with a white hat on. But her was wide awake. His little toes were poking out of the blanket, which gave me a chance to look at his big feet the Dr.Irwin proclaimed he had when he was born. and holy cow , they are huge. I just sat there holding him as close as I could. I think I just stared at him. It's just so hard to believe he was the little guy kicking me from the inside. And it's hard to come to terms that I only have a week with him. I'm already telling him how much I love him & why I'm sharing him with Stacy & Brent *. I know it's impossible, but I like to believe that one day Jake* will be able to remember the time we spent together. :(

I had to call Stacy & Brent * and tell them about Jake*. I refused to let their caseworker call them. Stacy answered, I told her all about my basically painless birthing process. I shared how beautiful Jake* was and I told her that he's already a happy baby with a story about how 3 minutes after being born & I was handing him back to the nurse, he smiled at eh two of us. She said it's because he's a special boy. She also said that her and Brent* are proud of me. That felt good to hear.

After talking with them I needed to say my good nights to Jake*. I'm so tired.

Well, the day has come!

I will go to the hospital with Heather at 5:00pm.

I will write more after Jake* has arrived!

Wish Me Luck!!

No Jake* isn't born yet. I haven't even been induced yet. After I got hooked up to an iv & the monitors, the nurse noticed I was contracting frequently, but I wasn't dilated. Because I was having contractions they couldn't induce me. so i just kind of laid there being inconvenienced every time I had to pee because I needed to be unhooked & carry all the dang iv with me. Oh well, at least I can't feel the contractions. Eventually the nurse Suzy came in & gave me the stuff to induce me. What a pain that was. I don't want something shoved up there when a baby is supposed to be coming out. Ugh. Uncomfortable. Now it's just a waiting game... I need to go get some sleep. I'm gonna need it for tomorrow.

AHH! I go in tomorrow for my inducement I need to pack my hospital bag. But I'm too damn nervous to even think about what I need... At least I know that Mary will be my CBC (Child Birth Coordinator) on Friday. I hope I get her as Jake's* transitional care mom...

Whoo! so my mom's flying down the 29th. I'm gonna stay at the hotel with her & then we both fly home on May 6th.

This was my last visit with Brent & Stacy* until placement day... I'm glad they got a chance to come see em one more time. They didn't arrive until around dinnertime on Saturday. We had a plan to go to On the Border because I had a craving for Mexican. Haha. I made sure to take my scrapbook to show them what I have completed so far. We had a wait until we could be seated, so we sat on a bench outside & the two of them looked at my scrapbook. It seemed like they liked it... and I believe they will share it with Jake*, when they feel it's the right time. Once they were done looking at the scrapbook, I knew it was time to tell them about the inducement. So I told them that our son will be born by next week.They were excited & speechless.I think they were kind of taken back... this happened quickly. It seems like just yesterday they were calling me for the first time . Dinner was awesome. My chicken tacos were delicious. :) We had a funny waiter who got Stacy * to believe the dessert menu was a scratch n' sniff menu. It t was pretty funny. Brent * & I got talking about country music. Haha. He did say that Toby Keith's songs "I wanna talk about me" and High maintenance woman" are about Stacy*. That made me laugh. I'm glad that they can both show me their goofy sides.

The last thing we talked about that night was if they wanted to attend a nursery visit with my mom, me & Jake*. Kim looked at me like I was crazy when I asked if my AP's could attend a nursery visit. My logic behind it is this: if I see Brent & Stacy* with Jake- holding him, feeding him, changing him, etc- I'll get a lot of my emotions out so therefore I can attempt to make my placement day more of a celebration... of joining two families. I'm just glad that B&S agreed to attend the nursery visit.

Sunday we went to lunch at the Olive Garden. It was more of a "serious" day today. Over lunch, we hashed out all of my last minute questions. " realized that I never really asked why they chose to adopt. They told me they tried to have kids, but eventually found out they had fertility problems. Next was religion... Jake * won't be baptised but they will have a special offering of him. And last but not least, our son will officially be named Jake Lee*. There were some awkward moments of silence where I think we were all letting it sink in that the next time we will see each other, our son will be there too. It's just a strange thought...

GUESS WHO'S GETTING INDUCED?????

Hell yeah baby! That's right. At my last visit with Dr. Irwin today, the nurse checked me & said there's a possibility of an inducement. She said she would have Dr. Irwin call the houseparents since he was in a delivery... but it was great timing because he came back right before we left. I met with him and he said I'm gonna be induced not sure which day... but within a week, Jake* will be born!!

I have some good news to tell Brent & Stacy* tomorrow!!

Well I have officially finished my scrapbook for now. Until I get some pictures of Jake* & me. I'm still working on the blanket I'm making...

I'm excited. I called Brent & Stacy* a few days ago & asked if they wanted to hang out with me one more time before everything went down, so they're gonna come see me this weekend. It will be nice to spend some more time with them before Jake* is welcomed into the world. :)

My stomach is getting bigger & bigger. Jake* needs to stop growing. Haha. He's big enough already.

As the stomach gets bigger, the more frequent the bathroom trips come. Especially at night. I can barely sleep anymore :(

I've been trying to induce my labor by walking on the treadmill daily. But so far, the only effect I'm getting is an angry baby. Haha.

Only 14 more days! (if I'm on time)

So on Friday Dr. Irwin said the sono looks good. He's quesstimating that Jake* is 8.5-9 lbs. That's a big boy to push out of me. I joked around about being induced, but he wasn't very happy. According to him, the baby will come out when he's ready. Ugh. I only have 16 days... May 1st can't come soon enough. I'm starting to get to where Britt* was, with the " I WANT THIS BABY OUT OF ME!" feeling.

...speaking of Britt*, she had her placement day this weekend. I gave Sara a letter to give to Britt* with all my contact info because i figured I wouldn't be seeing her anymore. BY my surprise, Britt* called me shortly before her placement was to begin. I went down to visit real quick. She was dressing Ann as I walked in... Britt* seemed to be holding it together. I told her she's in my prayers & to never hesitate to contact me. I said my goodbye to Ann, then I gave Britt* a hug. That's when I felt all the emotions she was going through. The hurt, the doubt, the anger, the joy... all of it. We just hugged for a few minutes & then I left. I wanted her to have a few last minutes with her daughter.

You know, Britt* was a crazy roomie. at times, but I love her to death. I'm so glad I got to meet her & go through this experience together. I can honestly say, that I see her as friend for life.

Yay! I had my sono today! My last pictures of Jake* when he's inside of me. I'm sticking to my word... He is going to be a handsome big boy. I can already tell by his alien-like picture. Hahaha. He looks smart too.

I go to Dr. Irwin tomorrow to see what he has to say about the sono.

Ugh. Another boring weekend. Just kinda lounged around. I'm feeling for Britt*; I know her placement day is coming up. I think alot of girls are gonna be having their placements days soon...

I don't even want to think about placement. I made up my mind, I'm doing 1 or 2 weeks with Jake*, depending on when mom flies out & back.

I'm scared to see mom. The last time we saw each other was Feb. 19th... she's disappointed in me, but at least she wants to fly out for moral support on placement day. I need to sign my papers before she comes tho, because I don't need any of that "are you sure?" business. I know I'm doing what I need to for Jake*.

It's just a strange thought that the next time my mom sees me, I'll be a mother to a beautiful baby boy.

I really hope she can come. At least that way someone in my life will have met Jake*. I know it will be hard for her and my dad to think of Jake* as a grandson... but I still wish that both of them could meet him. Hopefully maybe when Jake* is older, he'll want to meet the other half of his family in PA...

Hey! a girl can dream!

And if I've learned anything through this whole thing, it's to think positive!

Went to Dr. Irwin today. Jake's * heartbeat & weight are perfect. Dr. Irwin still thinks he's going to be a big baby!

But Yay! I get to have my last sono on next Thursday.

I've been working on my scrapbook... it's been taking me a long time to finish it. However it won't be complete until I have pictures of me & the baby. I just hope that Brent & Stacy* do truly share this with Jake*.

Oh yeah I forgot to write that I talked to them about names. They each had a choice... Stacy* chose Jake * & Brent*chose Jesse. I naturally sided with Stacy* because when I hear the name Jesse for a boy I think of Uncle Jesse from Full House, and the is not what I want to think of when I am thinking of our son. Haha. I like Jake* though... it sounds Southern.

You know, I wonder if my parents supported me coming to Texas & my decision to do an adoption plan, to benefit them? This way they don't have to be embarrassed by an unwed pregnant daughter? I hate to think that. I hope they support my decision because they believe that I'm doing what's best for my son.

I know just two days ago I was telling you how much I love my AP's... and don't get me wrong, my opinion has definitely not changed. It's just being that my due date is one month away, it's putting some doubts in my head. I know I'm doing the right thing for my son. I won't change my mind because I know I'm not ready to be a mom. Plus I couldn't crush Brent & Stacy * like that. However there's once again the little voice in my head that's saying not to sign the papers. Raise him. I wish I could...but if I can't raise him, I would be honored that Brent and Stacy* will...

Hmmm... Nothing new really. Talked to my AP's again. Found out that they liked my letter I gave them on the face-to-face. Brent* said that they barely pulled out of the parking lot when Stacy* opened it & read it. Haha. IT made her cry the entire ride home.

I went to church with th girls again last night. Gari-Anne's church is awesome. Definitely different from my catholic mass, but it's very entertaining. I like it. Definitely go as long as I can.

I miss Britt* we had some good times together. I enjoy having the room to myself. At least I can try to get some sleep!But I still miss her. I've seen her a few times during her visits with Ann, but don't stay long... that's her time with her daughter. I'm so glad my son doesn't have to be in transitional care for a month. I think I'm gonna do a week or two of visits. I can already see Britt* getting attached. And she's only half way through her month. It's hard...

I barely slept last night. I woke up this morning & got dressed in my nicest maternity clothes. Haha. I got my present together. I took one last look in the mirror to make sure the make-up was perfect, and that every hair was in place. Then the time for me to meet up with Kim came. We got in the car and we were off. We talked the whole way to the restaurant. I wasn't nervous at all ... until Kim said "we're almost there." That's when the butterflies arrived in my stomach. We parked the car. I got out while taking a deep breath. It was time... I was about to meet two of the most important people in my life: Brent and Stacy*, my son's soon -to-be parents.

We turned the corner & there they were. I was almost taken back by how beautiful Stacy* was. Brent* seemed very gentleman-like. We greeted each other with a hug, exchanged presents & sat down. We ordered & had small talk. Stacy* kept staring at me... I couldn't tell if she was judging me or imagining what our son might look like. They made me open their present. I loved the bag. I'm definitely saving it & it's going back to PA with me. It's a blue denim bag with brown fringe around the top. with red handkerchief tissue paper. It had a little tag on it with a sticker of a horse on one side & a sticker of the state outlines of PA & TX on the other. I think that's thoughtful.:) They gave me lotion, warm socks, & a gift certificate for a pedicure. Yay! I can't wait to get one. I mad them open mine. The poem cam first. Stacy* tried to read it aloud, but only made it through a few sentences before crying, so we decided to pass it around so the Kim's could read it. Next she opened the sono pictures. Brent and Stacy's* face lit up & they were so grateful. Brent *handed me a photo album of nursery pictures. The nursery is adorable. It's a neutral color, with some antique toys on shelf's going around the ceiling. It's a cute nursery. The rest of lunch went wonderfully. Only a few awkward moments of silence. After lunch Brent & Stacy* wanted to spend time with me, so we said goodbye to the Kim's, & the three of us were off to the Fort Worth Stockyards.

Stacy* stared at the sono pictures the whole car ride. It made me realize how much they wanted to be parents, & how much love they have to give my son. I'm so glad I chose them to share my son with.

The stockyards weren't a great site to see, but I enjoyed just seeing a new part of Texas. And I enjoyed getting to know B& S better. we walked in & out of all the stores talking about everything from family to my life, to my wishes for my son. We eventually made our way to get ice cream.

It was so easy to talk to them. They made me feel like I was a normal person not judging me like I thought they might. Brent* made a lot of jokes which mad it easier to talk. And Stacy* is so sweet that it's like she's welcoming you to talk to her. They are both genuinely nice people. And they are respectable towards each other, but yet they can poke fun at one another too. I'm convinced right now that I have the best AP's:)

Next we made our way to the Botanical Gardens. We went into the butterfly conservatory. It was breath-taking. I kept accidentally swatting at the butterflies because it's my natural instinct. When we were done we just sat on a bench & talked about anything and everything else we could think of. There was a lot of silence, but I didn't even care. I was perfectly content sitting there, know I picked wonderful people to be my sons parents.

We walked around a little more when they realized exactly how much they were making me walk. Haha. Brent* joked that I would go back to the dorm & tell the girls how mean my AP's were because the made me walk so much. He also said maybe next time they'll take me to Six Flags. Haha.

I didn't want the night to end. I was enjoying myself so much. I'm glad I got to finally meet them and that they are perfect. :)

I enjoyed coming back to the dorm & bragging to the girls about how awesome my AP's are.

I need to go to bed. I'm beat from walking. Haha.

*Thank you God, for helping me find wonderful people to be the parents of my son.*

Happy Easter!!

Wish I could have been with my family! But at least I had some food! ...minus the collard greens...

I called Brent and Stacy* today. Talked to them awhile. We are all anxious to meet on Tuesday. We are going to the Macaroni Grill. I can't wait.

Weird... they don't know what pierogies are!!

From God's Arms, To My Arm's, To Yours

So Many wrong decisions in my past.

I'm not quite sure if I can ever trust my judgement anymore.

But lately I've been thinking,

Cause it's all I've had to do.

And in my heart I feel that I should give this child to you.

And maybe, you could tell your baby,

When you love him so, that he's been loved before.

By someone, who delivered your son, from God's arms, to my arms, to yours.

If you choose to tell him,

If he wants to know.

How the one who gave him life

Could bear to let him go.

Just tell him there were sleepless nights, I prayed and paced the floors,

And knew the only peace I'd find,

Was if this child was yours.

And maybe, you could tell your baby,

When you love him so, that he's been loved before,

By someone who delivered your son, from God's arms, to my arms, to yours.

This may not be the answer, for another girl like me.

But I'm not on a soapbox

Saying how we all should be.

I'm just trusting in my feelings,

And I 'm trusting in God above,

And I 'm trusting you can give this baby both his mother's love.

And maybe, you could tell your baby,

When you love him so, that he's been loved before.

By someone, who delivered your son, from God's arms, to my arms, to yours.

...The poem I'm giving to Brent and Stacy*...

Kim let me know that the possible father #2 agreed to sign. He's signing today @ 5pm.

I am so relieved.

Kim told me not to have any more contact with the JERK. She's gonna have Keely from legal contact him. She said many people go thru this & the father ends up signing becuz he doesn't have the money to fight the mother. I hope that's the case.

Happy news time: my face to face will be on March 25th. I can't wait!! :)

Anne Elaine is absolutely beautiful. I stopped in on Britt's* nursery visit today. Ann has the prettiest face & the fullest head of black hair ADORABLE!! She's so tiny. I didn't want to hold her, I was too freaked out. But Britt* seemed good with her. I guess it's that mother instinct...

On a less happy note. I got a text from possible father #2. He told me he's not signing the papers. He will have his girlfriend help raise the baby. I'm so pissed off. He was the one who said he didn't want anything to do with me or the baby. But now after I accept what I am doing & I pick my son's parent's, he tells me he wants to raise the child.

Hell No!!

What am I supposed to do? He's messing up my entire plan. I he doesn't want to sign the papers, I'm gonna raise my son. I'm not letting him & his "girlfriend" raise MY son. UGH! I need to talk to Kim...

At least Shane* signed his papers.

Sigh... Boring weekend. I'm ready to have the baby . I'm starting to sleep less and pee more. Ha. It sucks. I can't sleep comfortably. I always wake up on my back freaking out because you aren't suppose to lie on your back. It cuts off a major vein or something of that sort. I'm used to sleeping on my belly, but I can't :(. I guess I can't complain because this is my first side effect from pregnancy.

and damn it, it still don't know when my face-to-face with Brent and Stacy* is going to be. :( I think I'm gonna frame a sono picture for them. And I found a poem I want to print & frame for them.

Ugh. I don't think Britt* is coming back to the dorm. She hasn't been back yet. I have a feeling she is gonna stay home & just come back to do her visits. I don't blame her...

Yay! Britt's* baby Ann Elaine was welcomed into the world today! Congrats Britt*! She's really healthy and beautiful. :)

so today Kim & I filled out my post adoption agreement. I had to decide if & when I wanted to get updates. Of course I do, I just gotta pray that my AP's will send them since it's an agreement of the heart.

I'm getting closer to some of the other girls here. I think it's important for me to have contacts that are going through the same thing...

OMG. I haven't written in awhile. A lot has happened... The other day, we had a "panel". It was when all us birth moms at the dorm & community got together to listen to some speakers. The guest speakers were a past birth mom & her mom, a Gladney adoptee, & past adoptive parents. The birth mom spoke about her adoption journey. Everything from telling her family she was pregnant, to details about her placement day. She had some problems with her AP's. She picked a couple but it didn't work out which left her heartbroken & she eventually made connection with a wonderful couple. She warned us that placement day will be the hardest thing we will do. But at least she is living proof that you can accept this & move on to a normal happy life without forgetting your child. She still hears form her AP's & is doing okay. I enjoyed hearing the Gladney adoptee speak. She was shared through adoption over 20 years ago. She was honest with all her feelings about being adopted. She admitted the she wondered why her mom wouldn't have wanted her. She came on a tour of Gladney & imagined what her mother went through. She said she wasn't sure if she wanted to meet her mother, but eventually she did. They still have a relationship to this day & her & her two mothers get together. I can only hope that my adoption turns out as positive... The adoptive parents spoke last. It was interesting hearing the process they went through. They already had a biological daughter, then decided to adopt. It was heartwarming hearing them share about being chosen by their birth mother & getting to know her. They still keep in contact with their birth mom &they actually get together once a year.They said the birth mom doesn't want to meet her son yet. It would be awesome to have that offered. I would take hat offer in a heartbeat. Not even to be offered to see your child, but to get together with your AP's after the adoption is final. At least you'd get to heat their voices & hear funny stories about your child. But that probably won't happen... That's why it's only "semi-open" anyways, this panel was very enlightening. Just to hear how everyone felt, it was helpful.

So Britt's* been having problems. She's been put on bed rest because she was putting on weight like crazy. And her blood pressure was through the roof. Next she woke me up in the middle of an evening because she was bleeding, so she was taken to the hospital. She came back with a urine collection container & was stuck in bed again. Finally, she went to Dr. Irwin & got induced today!! She's probably thrilled. She wanted her baby girl out of her. Haha. Britt's* daughter she be welcomed to the world soon.

So I talked with Stacy* again too. Shea called me the other day to get to know me. We talked a good while. We found out we have many things in common such as being in drama & color guard in high school, having all sisters & family's with every one's first name beginning with "S", & the fact that we both love to make brownies. Haha. I just feel so comfortable talking with them. It feels like I've known them forever. They aren't much older than me, so I don't know , I'm kinda feeling as if they are my siblings. sounds weird, I know. But hell, they're going to be my family soon. I hope our face-to-face goes well. I'm so nervous. I want to give them a gift when I meet them. Something special...

I am getting HUGE!! It's like my stomach grew out of nowhere. Dr. Irwin keeps telling me that the baby is a BIG boy. That's kinda scary. I don't want them to have to give me a C-section! I can tell the baby is getting bigger, he can't tumble anymore. He can only kick. It's all baby down there! I'm scared as hell to actually go thru giving birth, but I'm so anxious to meet my little man. :)

You know it is true... when you pick your adoptive parents, it feels like this huge weight got lifted off of my shoulders. I'm so excited... I know that's weird to say, but I am excited. I want to get to know Brent and Stacy*! Choosing them means I'm one step closer to making a wonderful plan for my son's life. I feel like I'm doing the right thing for my son & me. I want him to have a fabulous life...the life he deserves and I am confident the Stacy & Brent* can give that to him. I wonder when my face- to face will be?? :)

So I told Kim that my convo with Stacy and Brent* went wonderfully & that I wanted to choose them! She gave me the option of letting their caseworker tell them, or let them know myself. Of course I want to tell them the good news!! I'm gonna call them later tonight but first I have to call my mom & get a creative way to say "I choose you!" I want it to be creative.

.............................................................................................................................................

So shortly after 7 I dialed the 1-800 # Stacy & Brent* have given me. Stacy* answered she seemed a little surprised to hear form me. I told her I a few more questions to ask them & if Brent could get on the line too. Unfortunately he couldn't because she was on the cell. But he was in the same room. I said "you better get ready to celebrate, because you have 3 holidays coming up" She seemed a little confused so next I said "not only will you have Easter to celebrate, but you will have your first mother's & father's day because we're going to have a son! I want you as my AP's!!" Stacy* started crying & that's when I lost it. We all cried for a few minutes & then I said my goodbyes & let them have time together to let the news sink in... They were going to be parents!!

Just hearing how happy they were brought a huge smile to my face. :)

Wow. That was quick. Kim told me that Stacy & Brent will call at 7pm TONIGHT. I'm so excited, yet a little nervous. What if they don't like me? But my mom said she emailed me a list of questions that I may want to ask them. I'm going to call my parents real quick then collect my thoughts.

.........................................................................................................................................................

Haha. At 6:30pm, I was in my dorm room anxiously passing the time with Britt*. I was so nervous, my hands were shaking. I don't know why I am nervous? I don't have to impress them; but I still wanted them to like me. :) Exactly at 7:01pm, my dorm phone rang. I answered it to hear a very quiet yet gentle voice say "hello Samantha" I knew it was obviously Stacy*. I was honest with her form the beginning & let her know that I was nervous. Haha. That's when she admitted that she was nervous too! She then asked if her husband Brent could get on the line too. I said yes, because I wanted to talk to them both. After the initial hellos & awkwardness, the convo started to flow effortlessly & it felt like I've known them all my life. We talked awhile, because Britt* coming in to see if I was done yet. Haha. They asked about me & My life. And then I asked them my list of question. Stacy seemed so quiet. She talked, becuz I heard her southern accent. But she just seems like she's the quiet type. Brent seems very nice too. He seemed to be a joker, but an awesome person. I learned that they grew up near each other . And when they went on their first date in high school, they knew they were soul mates. They got married after college. Brent is a doctor. Not sure what kind? Stacy is an elementary school drama teacher. That's something we have in common. Not the teacher part, but that we both like drama. Haha. Both of their families live nearby, & they are close to both sides. I asked what attribute they had that would make them good parents... and I realy liked the fact that the answered why they think the other one would be a good parent instead of talking about themselves. I liked that they complimented one another. They seem to have a great relationship. Both Stacy & Brent* agreed that they were more than willing to send pictures/letters to their birth mom. They both also said thet they woudl raise thier child know ing about the adoption & that they would share a scrapbook with the child on the birth mom. That made me feel confidenet. I don't want my son finding at he afe of 18 that he is adopted, and have his whole world come crashign down. I want him to know he was adopted &that I exist and that becuz he was adopted doesn't mean I don't love him or that he's "different".

Stacy and Brent* made me feel good about the adoption. I kept wondering when you think you found your AP's if you'll just "know" they are the ones. Well my question got answered tonight. After I hung up with Stacy & Brent*, I just felt at ease. I feltliek a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I believe I foudn my son's parents! :)

I can't wait to tell Kim that I chose them!

I can't wait to call and tell them too!

Gotta go call the parents & tell them how it went!

:) Well as I said I got my profiles! I looked at the one couple who I saw online first. I loved their profile, but I promised I would be fair & look at all the other couples. They all seemed like nice families. However, I think I found the couple for me & my son. they are of course the couple online. When I received their profile, I was so excited! But when I opened it and got a better glimpse into their lives, I feel something in me that I can't explain. It's like God was telling me they were the ones for me. I know it didn't take long for me to decide, but I'm telling you it just feels right!

I'm gonna tell Kim that I choose Stacy & Brent* & see if we can set up a phone call. :)

....continued...

Yay! I got my profiles!! Time to look at them! I'll write more later! :)

Met with Kim today. It was productive... Did some paperwork & talked about everything. She thinks I'm doing good because I'm not scared to show my emotions & cry. Or talk about how hard placement day is going to be. I think it's better to talk about everything & take the emotions one day at a time. I don't want to act like I'm not going to go through something hard.

...I don't want it to hit me like a ton of bricks when placement day rolls around...

So, my thoughts for the day:

I know my due date isn't until May. But on the weekends, I've been working on my projects. By projects I mean, what I'm gonna give my Ap's to give to my son.

Before moving down here my Mom & I bought a wooden keepsake box that I wanna engrave with the name my AP's choose. I am gonna fill it with little knick-knacks about me. I'm hoping to but materials to make him a blanket.

But most importantly, I am going to tape record a letter for him. I was going to just write a letter, but my Mom Convinced me to record what I wanna say in the letter because he'll actually get to hear my voice & feel the emotions I'm going through. But... what do I say?

I mean... I can explain me & my life. I can try to explain to him my reasons for doing adoption & the process I'm going through to choose his parents. But there's one thing I can't explain...

How do you tell someone how much you love them on a recording? I've always heard that you don't know true love until you hold your child in your arms for the first time...

Just because I am doing adoption it doesn't mean I'm going to love him any less. He's part of me. He's my flesh & blood. I may not be with him during his life, but he's a;ways going to be a part of my life. He's not even born yet , but I'm getting attached... it's such a unique feeling when he kicks me or hiccups. It's like a daily occurrence... I wonder if you miss it once the baby is born...

But back to the point. I guess you just gotta try your hardest to make sure your child knows you love them. And hope that the AP's tell the child about you &your love for them.

So, I'm gonna admit it... I hate the weekends!!

Yes at least they have outings planned, but when you're at the dorm, it's so damn boring. I mean 90% of the girls go home for the weekend, so it's kinda quiet. Everyone keeps to themselves, so it makes for a very boring & long 2 1/2 days. Britt*leaves me...:( it's nice to have the room to myself & actually get some sleep without being woken up by Britt's* crazy sleeping schedule. But at the same time it makes me think about too much.

What am I thinking about?

...why I can't raise my son... I want him to be with me! Shane* offered to help me raise him, but I know I can't rely on him. We may not be together forever & I can't put that burden on him. At the same time , I know I need to finish school to make a better life for myself. And I don't want to be working 3 minimum wage jobs, while being on welfare & living with my parents. That's no life for my son or me. I KNOW THAT. But I still wish he could stay with me. When I'm in public & see younger girls who are moms, it makes me wonder why I can't do it. It hurts.

But everyone keeps telling me I am doing the right thing for my son. I'm doing what I need to do to give him the best chance of a life.

...I really hope he'll understand why I chose to do adoption...

So, apparently Gladney has a curse. All the girls come into Gladney barely looking pregnant, but after a week or two here, you're suddenly looking HUGE!! I'm lucky because I haven't really had problems during this pregnancy. No heartburn or morning sickness. No excessive weight gain. It feels great! I'm slowly starting to show...

OOOO!! I finally turned in my specific requests for my potential AP's. I tried not to be too picky. Two of my major requests were that the couple has been married for a while. I want my son to have a mom AND a dad, so I don't want to choose a couple that could possibly get divorced. I know you can't guarantee that, but I just think you have better chances if they've been together for awhile. Number two is that they have extended family nearby. I just want him to a have a BIG family. I want my AP's to be religious or spiritual. I believe if you have religion in your life it makes you a stronger person. BUT my most important request so... The couple has to be from Texas. I want the chance to form a bond with them. Not just to make myself feel better with my decision, but also so the parents know me. I would like them to be able to tell our son that we were friends, & let him truly know what kind of person I am. :)

I hope that's not to picky...

I can't wait to get profiles!!

I GOT A SONO TODAY!! My baby is so handsome. Haha. I don't know anything like weight, etc. since Dr. Irwin wasn't there.

Of course I cried when I saw the images. It's so hard to believe I have a little human being in me. The heart was the point in which I cried hardest. Just seeing his little heart beating... It's amazing.

The guy gave me some still shots of him. I couldn't wait to show the girls, but of course I couldn't remember what they were of. Haha. How horrible is that??

Finally we figured out one was of his face, the other a profile view, & lastly a picture of his little manhood.

I'm telling you he's HANDSOME!!

:)

Wednesdays, 4:00p.m.= Loving Decisions. Or in other words "group therapy". Today was my first session. Some of the girls told me its a joke, but I actually found it kinda helpful. April, a caseworker & former birth mom, runs the group. I like her; she actually knows what we're going through. Today the topic was the stages of grief. We were discussing it because obviously all us girls are gonna be grieving after placement. I don't even want to think about sad/mad/alone/guilty I'm going to feel once I go home. I just want this adoption to go smoothly. I want to pick the best adoptive parents. I want them to raise my son with knowledge of my existence, & for him not to hate me.I think those are my two worst fears. That I'll pick the wrong AP's who won't keep me updated, or they won't tell our son about me. That's hard to say... "Our son". I just want to scream He's my son!! but I figured it will help me to say "ours" from here on out to prepare myself. It will make things easier at the end.

Wow. I got sidetracked. Haha

I pray every night that God will help me through this whole process. I know people may laugh at me and say " You had sex an d got pregnant. That's what happened." But I honestly think this was God's plan for me. I was meant to bring this baby boy into this world to share him with a wonderful couple.

I know I totally contradicted myself there... You can't help but to have negative thoughts about the AP situation, But I have faith that God will help me through this. He won't let me suffer.

Happy B-day to Me!!

What a boring b-day.:( But... at least I got cupcakes!!!

I just wish I could have been with family & friends.

The big 23... Whoo! I should be proud of myself... Not... Look where you are Samantha. You are 7 months pregnant. with the possibility of 2 fathers. You're behind in school, you had to lie to your friends as to where you went, & you majorly disappointed your parents. On second thought, maybe you deserve to spend your birthday alone...

Visited with Kim today. It was productive. She gave me a paper to write down my specifications of potential AP's. I've been here trying to fill it out. but it's like... How do I know what kind of family will be best for my baby? This is most likely the hardest decision I'll ever have to make. I want the best parents & best life for my baby, but this is there such a miracle? Ugh, this is so hard. I know I can't have anyone help me choose, it has to be MY decision. I gonna request to get two couples profiles that I liked online. Hopefully, I'll just know when I see the right profile???

Happy B-day Shane!!
It sucks not to be with your boyfriend on his b-day. He says he understands why I think I need to do adoption. So at least I have his support. I think...

Well it was my first weekend outing... A volunteer (a previous AP) took us out to a museum, but once we saw how busy it was, we decided to go to lunch instead. We went to Black Eyed Pea. I got to know some of the other girls better. At least it got me out of the dorm too! HAHA!!

Yay! Everything is okay with my baby boy! :)BUT he pushed my due date up by a week and a half. Dr. Irwin is nice. He has a funny laugh, but he makes you feel ok with your decision about adoption. You gotta give him alot of admiration for dealing with all the Gladney girls.

Next Thursday. I get a sono. I can't wait!:)

Nothing to exciting today. Sigh . . . I know I worried Mom & Dad tonight. I called them crying hysterically about how bad I hate it here. I feel bad. I am putting them thru a lot. I didn't mean to upset them like this. I know I'm doing the right thing, but it's so hard not to have them with me. I'm sorry mom & Dad for everything.

Tomorrow I meet Dr. Irwin. Yay. Nothing better than being examined. Haha. Right . . .

I met with Kim today. That was good, but rough. I was glad to have met the woman who will be helping me thru this whole ordeal. But at the same time, very emotional because it hit me that I'm actually going to go thru with this. We talked a lot about everything. She said it will be at least 2 more weeks until I get my profiles which sucks. I want them now!!

Hello from Texas! :) I am officially in Fort Worth, Texas, and moved into the maternity dorm at the Gladney Center for Adoption. I said goodbye to Mom & Dad this morning. I cried the whole first flight. It was hard as hell to tell them I was pregnant, but it was even harder to move down here knowing my parents wouldn't be around to help me through this. They may be disappointed in me, but at least I know I have their support. Anyways, back to the dorm. I have a roomie, Britt*. she's twenty-five and from around here. She seems cool. None of the other girls attempted to talk to me. However, I got to attend a 2 hr. dorm meeting where the girls complained that no one does their chores. Ha ha. Not a good first impression. After that, I sorta locked myself in my room. I'm gonna talk to Britt some more & call it an early night. Tomorrow I meet my caseworker, Kim. Hopefully that goes well.