Wow I can't believe Jake* is one month old today. It feels like just yesterday was the day I welcomed him into this world.

I hope he's doing okay. I hope Brent*& Stacy*are telling him how much he is loved...

So... I had a difficult time today I got asked the dreaded question:

"Do you have kids?"

I automatically said no because I didn't fell like getting into the story of adoption... but as soon as I said no my heart hurt because I felt like I was denying Jake*.

I don't know how to answer that question... mom says to answer with "I'm a godparent" I guess maybe that will work... I mean I believe God chose me to bring Jake* into this world for Brent* & Stacy*...

I found a birth parent support group to attend I think it will be beneficial for me to go. I need to meet people around me who know what I'm going through.

So I finally finished the updated Jake* video. I burned a copy to send to him. I also sent Jake * a CD with all the little videos of me & him. I want him to have those so he can see the special moments we shared, because they will always hold a special place in my heart.

So I talked to Britt* the other day. And wow she's in pretty bad shape. I know she got really attached to Ann* because she was in transitional for 30 days... and I know she was having a hard time coming back to Gladney; that's why she never showed up for my visits to meet Jake*... I wish I lived closer to her.

It kinda makes me feel as if I'm cold hearted or something. I miss Jake * greatly, but I'm okay with my decision. I know he is in good hands, & I know he is loved very much.

Maybe Kim was right... since I let my emotions out along the way. It makes things a little less emotional for me?

Maybe it's because I got a chance to form a friendship with Brent* & Stacy* and I'm confident in them as parent to Jake* & as friends to me.

...I hope Brit* will be okay.

...I hope I'm healing properly & that it's alright that I'm "okay"

Sigh. Birthmother's Day. It's been a constant day of thinking about Jake*...

I miss him so much. I miss his smell I miss his little noises. I miss his handsome face his big feet, & his beautiful smiles. I miss holding him, playing paddy cake & singing to him...I wish I could hold him again...just have one more day with him...

Stacy* & Brent* emailed me to wish me a Happy Birthmother's Day. They also sent some pictures in the email. Naturally I cried when I saw them. But they all look so happy. They make a beautiful family. I'm in pain, but seeing those pictures of the three of them still makes me believe this was God's plan for me----to make them a family...

It's good to be home. To see my dad & family, to see the dog, to sleep in my own bed.

The weird thing is; I'm emotionally okay. Yes it's only been 5 days & I know it may hit me later, but for now I'm okay. I don't know if it's because the reality of things haven't quite caught up to me, or maybe because of my relationship with Brent* & Stacy*.

I truly & honestly believe they are going to keep me updated on Jake*. And that they're going to raise Jake* with the knowledge of my existence.

I think my faith in them is why my heart is going to be okay...

I.'m sitting on the plane... When we took off I started crying because I knew I was leaving Jake*, Stacy* & Brent* behind and who know if or when I'd get the pleasure of seeing them again...

I've been fighting with myself on whether or not to tell friends where I really was & what I went through. I'm damn proud of Jake* and don't regret my decision. But at the same time, I don't think I'm ready to be judged if someone doesn't agree with adoption.

I guess I'll make my mind up when the opportunity to tell someone arises.

I miss Jake* so much already. But I'm okay... or a maybe I'm trying to push the pain away.

I called some friends today & came to the realization I'm gonna be pretty lonely once I get home. This whole experience changed who I am as a person. and for the better. I realize there's a lot more important things than parties, getting together with friends, & worrying about the little things. I know I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I'm determined to finish school & make a better life not only for me, but so someday Jake* can be proud of me. If I don't make a better life for myself, then there was no point of doing adoption... I just need to focus on me.

I'm still numb... I said my goodbyes to Jake*, I said my goodbyes to Gladney, Kim & Mary. It's been an emotional day, but I want to write about it...

Mom & I had an hour with Jake* before placement. The visit was a quiet one. We just held Jake* cried & each took our time alone to talk to him. It was extremely hard. When mom gave me a chance to be alone with him, I tried to talk to him, but I couldn't get any words out. I just cried & held him as close as I could. Finally I got my emotions under control & I eventually was able to tell Jake* everything I wanted to & I sang our song "You Are My sunshine" to him one last time. When I saw Kim walk through the door, I felt my stomach drop & my heart ache... it was time to begin placement.

Before my placement day, I've been told numerous times that walking down the hall & into the room would be the hardest part. That wasn't true for me. It sounds weird, but i was excited to see Brent & Stacy*. I was a little nervous to walk through the door, but as soon as I opened the door & saw S&B's * smiling faces, I was okay. They were so excited to see not only Jake* but also me. First thing I did was show off Jake* in his special "dress up" outfit with the blue mock vest , hat & bow tie. He looked adorable. I knew I had to give Jake * over to B &S* to hold. It was rough. But I knew that's where Jake* belonged. I showed B & S* the final scrapbook, treasure box, bear, recording & everything else I had for Jake*. My favorite song growing up was "Somewhere out there" from the movie Fiefel Goes West. So in the Goodnight Moon book I wrote the quote "Somewhere Out There, Beneath the Pale Moon light. Someones thinking of Me & Loving Me Tonight" & wrote that every time I look at the moon, I'll be thinking of him...

Stacy & Brent* then gave me a beautiful necklace with two hearts, one silver, one gold, it's beautiful. To me it symbolizes the two different families or love that Jake* has. (I like it better than the adoption jewelry b/c S & B* picked it out just for me, so it's kinda more special) Stacy* then said she wrote me a letter for later, but Brent* wrote me a poem he wanted to read. It was rough for Brent* to read out loud; he got choked up a few times. I was doing okay until he started to read. The poem was titled "how do we say thanks" The poem is absolutely wonderful. I don't think Brent* will ever know how much it means that he wrote that just for me. It meant a lot that he and Stacy* weren't afraid to show their emotions in front of me. They were emotional. They were happy & that's okay. But at the same time, they respected the pain I was in.

Mom read "Legacy of an Adopted Child" & then I played my video. Everyone loved it. Finally it was time for Mom & me to say goodbye. Stacy * handed Jake* to mom so she could say goodbye. That's when my tears started to flow because I knew I was next. Stacy* saw the pain i was in & took me in her arms. I just hugged her & cried until mom handed Jake* over to me. He looked so handsome, all I could do was cry. I didn't know what to say... it was silent in the room, so everyone could hear what I was saying to him. All I could get out was how much I loved him. I gave him a hug & kiss then handed him to his mom & dad. I thanked Brent & Stacy* & gave Brent * a hug. When I gave Stacy* a hug, she whispered "I love you" in my ear which made me cry harder. I gave Jake* one last kiss, pleaded that they please take good care of him. I turned around & started crying so hard that I was shaking. Mom just hugged me & sorta had to give me a push to start walking out the door. I wanted to look back & say goodbye, but I knew it would hurt too bad to see Jake* again right then. Walking down the hall knowing I'm leaving without my son, it hurt so bad. My heart & body wanted me to run back down the hall, take Jake* & scream that I change my mind. But my mind knew I was doing the right thing. It may hurt like hell, but it's what Jake* deserved.

Next I had to say goodbye to Kim. It was rough too. Where would I be without her? This is the woman that took me under her wing, listened to my crying & complaining. Allowed me to barge in when it wasn't my appointment time, & most importantly, helped me make a plan for my son's life. Kim's an amazing woman. I will be eternally grateful to her.

Leaving Gladney for the last time was bittersweet. A lot of drama, but also a lot of friends. Jake* memories * Brent/Stacy* memories were made here. I honestly don't know where I'd be without Gladney...

When mom & I got in the car & started driving to her friends place in Dallas, it didn't take me long to read Stacy's* letter. It's just what I needed. To read her opinion about me & to know she considered me family... it's what I needed to hear after saying goodbye to them.

Mom & I arrived at her friends place and after dinner I excused myself to my room to be by myself. I don't want my emotions to get in their way...

Jake* had a big day today. I had my last two hour visit with him. It was a somber visit. My mom & I just sat there holding Jake* & crying for a while. Mom was trying to be strong for me, but I know she can tell how much I'm hurting... even though I'm trying to hide it. Most of the visit, I sat on the couch with Jake* sleeping on my chest. It made me feel like I was really close to him and I could whisper how much I love him in his ear. Eventually mom & I got Jake* dressed in the outfit that said "handsome". He got placed in the bassinet & went out to the hall to wait for our guests.

Jake* met his parents today. I waited in the hall for Brent & Stacy*. When their caseworker walked them down the hall, I overheard her reassure Stacy* that everything will be okay. They both looked up at me and we all smiled. We all hugged. We knew it was going to be an emotional day. I first introduced them to mom. then I picked Jake* up & introduced Brent & Stacy* to their son. Stacy* cried as soon as she saw me pick him up. Brent* of course was being a man about it all. Haha. They checked out his big feet & his adorable face. I handed him over to Stacy* & we all sat down on the couch. I could tell B & S* were nervous. They probably felt as if mom & I were judging how they handled Jake*. Not that we were testing them, but if we were, S & B* would have passed with flying colors. Jake* just starred at Stacy's* face as if he were imprinting her face in his memory. She fed him, burped him, & sang to him. Brent* felt comfortable with Jake* too. I think it made mom feel good when Jake*was sleeping on Brent's* lap because Jake's* hands were up in the sign of a happy baby. There were a lot of tears shed between the 3 of us girls. Mom & I shared Jake* stories while S & B* questioned my mom to get to know her a little better. When the end of the visit was coming S & B* left us to say our goodbyes to Jake*. We made plans to meet up fro dinner. Mom & I told Jake* how much we loved him & then we said goodbye.

...that visit was good for me. I'm glad Brent & Stacy* agreed to it. Seeing them with Jake* tugged at my heart strings, but it helped me not only to get a lot of my crying out, but also it reassured me that I chose the right couple. they already loved Jake* so much & he felt absolutely comfortable with them. I should recommend this kind of visit to the other girls...

Dinner was emotional, yet wonderful. It was a good chance for mom to bond with Stacy & Brent*. At first the conversation was light, just general info about each other. Mom shared some stories of me as a child. She also asked S & B* about the adoption process. Mom then proceeded to make me & Stacy* cry by saying that she doesn't want Jake* to think I didn't love him. She wants him to know I love him & that's why I made this adoption plan for him. She then thanked S & B* for being open to me meeting Jake* in the future if that's what he would want. She told them that she thinks I couldn't have chosen a better couple to be Jake's* parents and that she feels better because she knows Jake* will be with two people who will love him dearly. I think dinner overall was a success. I'm glad mom & Brent & Stacy* got to meet one another. I wish dad could have been here...

I finished my scrapbook & video. I got my basket together. The hardest part was recording my message to Jake*. How can you sum up everything you're feeling & thinking in one recording? How do you know what he's gonna want to hear in 18 years? or if he'll even listen to it... it took me many drafts & attempts to get through it without crying hysterically. I said what I wanted to say; my main point to make sure he knows that I love him dearly. That I did what I thought was best for him... I hope he understands one day...

God, please give me the strength and courage I need to get through Placement day tomorrow.

Jake* is absolutely adorable in green. We had a wonderful visit today. This was a our last full visit together, so we cherished every second. I enjoyed taking videos of me playing and singing with Jake*. He cracks me & mom up with all his funny faces. He loves to complain with little noises. I think his favorite things are being rocked& being in his swing. Jake* is one week old today & he's fighting to try & hold up his head. He is going to be a smart boy, I can tell. Even though my heart hurts because I know I have to say goodbye to him in two days, it doesn't matter. He's always been able to make me smile no matter what has been going through my mind this week. I just can't explain how much I love him.

Mom & I did some last minute errands tonight. I'm working hard on my video...