I'm still numb... I said my goodbyes to Jake*, I said my goodbyes to Gladney, Kim & Mary. It's been an emotional day, but I want to write about it...

Mom & I had an hour with Jake* before placement. The visit was a quiet one. We just held Jake* cried & each took our time alone to talk to him. It was extremely hard. When mom gave me a chance to be alone with him, I tried to talk to him, but I couldn't get any words out. I just cried & held him as close as I could. Finally I got my emotions under control & I eventually was able to tell Jake* everything I wanted to & I sang our song "You Are My sunshine" to him one last time. When I saw Kim walk through the door, I felt my stomach drop & my heart ache... it was time to begin placement.

Before my placement day, I've been told numerous times that walking down the hall & into the room would be the hardest part. That wasn't true for me. It sounds weird, but i was excited to see Brent & Stacy*. I was a little nervous to walk through the door, but as soon as I opened the door & saw S&B's * smiling faces, I was okay. They were so excited to see not only Jake* but also me. First thing I did was show off Jake* in his special "dress up" outfit with the blue mock vest , hat & bow tie. He looked adorable. I knew I had to give Jake * over to B &S* to hold. It was rough. But I knew that's where Jake* belonged. I showed B & S* the final scrapbook, treasure box, bear, recording & everything else I had for Jake*. My favorite song growing up was "Somewhere out there" from the movie Fiefel Goes West. So in the Goodnight Moon book I wrote the quote "Somewhere Out There, Beneath the Pale Moon light. Someones thinking of Me & Loving Me Tonight" & wrote that every time I look at the moon, I'll be thinking of him...

Stacy & Brent* then gave me a beautiful necklace with two hearts, one silver, one gold, it's beautiful. To me it symbolizes the two different families or love that Jake* has. (I like it better than the adoption jewelry b/c S & B* picked it out just for me, so it's kinda more special) Stacy* then said she wrote me a letter for later, but Brent* wrote me a poem he wanted to read. It was rough for Brent* to read out loud; he got choked up a few times. I was doing okay until he started to read. The poem was titled "how do we say thanks" The poem is absolutely wonderful. I don't think Brent* will ever know how much it means that he wrote that just for me. It meant a lot that he and Stacy* weren't afraid to show their emotions in front of me. They were emotional. They were happy & that's okay. But at the same time, they respected the pain I was in.

Mom read "Legacy of an Adopted Child" & then I played my video. Everyone loved it. Finally it was time for Mom & me to say goodbye. Stacy * handed Jake* to mom so she could say goodbye. That's when my tears started to flow because I knew I was next. Stacy* saw the pain i was in & took me in her arms. I just hugged her & cried until mom handed Jake* over to me. He looked so handsome, all I could do was cry. I didn't know what to say... it was silent in the room, so everyone could hear what I was saying to him. All I could get out was how much I loved him. I gave him a hug & kiss then handed him to his mom & dad. I thanked Brent & Stacy* & gave Brent * a hug. When I gave Stacy* a hug, she whispered "I love you" in my ear which made me cry harder. I gave Jake* one last kiss, pleaded that they please take good care of him. I turned around & started crying so hard that I was shaking. Mom just hugged me & sorta had to give me a push to start walking out the door. I wanted to look back & say goodbye, but I knew it would hurt too bad to see Jake* again right then. Walking down the hall knowing I'm leaving without my son, it hurt so bad. My heart & body wanted me to run back down the hall, take Jake* & scream that I change my mind. But my mind knew I was doing the right thing. It may hurt like hell, but it's what Jake* deserved.

Next I had to say goodbye to Kim. It was rough too. Where would I be without her? This is the woman that took me under her wing, listened to my crying & complaining. Allowed me to barge in when it wasn't my appointment time, & most importantly, helped me make a plan for my son's life. Kim's an amazing woman. I will be eternally grateful to her.

Leaving Gladney for the last time was bittersweet. A lot of drama, but also a lot of friends. Jake* memories * Brent/Stacy* memories were made here. I honestly don't know where I'd be without Gladney...

When mom & I got in the car & started driving to her friends place in Dallas, it didn't take me long to read Stacy's* letter. It's just what I needed. To read her opinion about me & to know she considered me family... it's what I needed to hear after saying goodbye to them.

Mom & I arrived at her friends place and after dinner I excused myself to my room to be by myself. I don't want my emotions to get in their way...