Hmmm... Nothing new really. Talked to my AP's again. Found out that they liked my letter I gave them on the face-to-face. Brent* said that they barely pulled out of the parking lot when Stacy* opened it & read it. Haha. IT made her cry the entire ride home.

I went to church with th girls again last night. Gari-Anne's church is awesome. Definitely different from my catholic mass, but it's very entertaining. I like it. Definitely go as long as I can.

I miss Britt* we had some good times together. I enjoy having the room to myself. At least I can try to get some sleep!But I still miss her. I've seen her a few times during her visits with Ann, but don't stay long... that's her time with her daughter. I'm so glad my son doesn't have to be in transitional care for a month. I think I'm gonna do a week or two of visits. I can already see Britt* getting attached. And she's only half way through her month. It's hard...

I barely slept last night. I woke up this morning & got dressed in my nicest maternity clothes. Haha. I got my present together. I took one last look in the mirror to make sure the make-up was perfect, and that every hair was in place. Then the time for me to meet up with Kim came. We got in the car and we were off. We talked the whole way to the restaurant. I wasn't nervous at all ... until Kim said "we're almost there." That's when the butterflies arrived in my stomach. We parked the car. I got out while taking a deep breath. It was time... I was about to meet two of the most important people in my life: Brent and Stacy*, my son's soon -to-be parents.

We turned the corner & there they were. I was almost taken back by how beautiful Stacy* was. Brent* seemed very gentleman-like. We greeted each other with a hug, exchanged presents & sat down. We ordered & had small talk. Stacy* kept staring at me... I couldn't tell if she was judging me or imagining what our son might look like. They made me open their present. I loved the bag. I'm definitely saving it & it's going back to PA with me. It's a blue denim bag with brown fringe around the top. with red handkerchief tissue paper. It had a little tag on it with a sticker of a horse on one side & a sticker of the state outlines of PA & TX on the other. I think that's thoughtful.:) They gave me lotion, warm socks, & a gift certificate for a pedicure. Yay! I can't wait to get one. I mad them open mine. The poem cam first. Stacy* tried to read it aloud, but only made it through a few sentences before crying, so we decided to pass it around so the Kim's could read it. Next she opened the sono pictures. Brent and Stacy's* face lit up & they were so grateful. Brent *handed me a photo album of nursery pictures. The nursery is adorable. It's a neutral color, with some antique toys on shelf's going around the ceiling. It's a cute nursery. The rest of lunch went wonderfully. Only a few awkward moments of silence. After lunch Brent & Stacy* wanted to spend time with me, so we said goodbye to the Kim's, & the three of us were off to the Fort Worth Stockyards.

Stacy* stared at the sono pictures the whole car ride. It made me realize how much they wanted to be parents, & how much love they have to give my son. I'm so glad I chose them to share my son with.

The stockyards weren't a great site to see, but I enjoyed just seeing a new part of Texas. And I enjoyed getting to know B& S better. we walked in & out of all the stores talking about everything from family to my life, to my wishes for my son. We eventually made our way to get ice cream.

It was so easy to talk to them. They made me feel like I was a normal person not judging me like I thought they might. Brent* made a lot of jokes which mad it easier to talk. And Stacy* is so sweet that it's like she's welcoming you to talk to her. They are both genuinely nice people. And they are respectable towards each other, but yet they can poke fun at one another too. I'm convinced right now that I have the best AP's:)

Next we made our way to the Botanical Gardens. We went into the butterfly conservatory. It was breath-taking. I kept accidentally swatting at the butterflies because it's my natural instinct. When we were done we just sat on a bench & talked about anything and everything else we could think of. There was a lot of silence, but I didn't even care. I was perfectly content sitting there, know I picked wonderful people to be my sons parents.

We walked around a little more when they realized exactly how much they were making me walk. Haha. Brent* joked that I would go back to the dorm & tell the girls how mean my AP's were because the made me walk so much. He also said maybe next time they'll take me to Six Flags. Haha.

I didn't want the night to end. I was enjoying myself so much. I'm glad I got to finally meet them and that they are perfect. :)

I enjoyed coming back to the dorm & bragging to the girls about how awesome my AP's are.

I need to go to bed. I'm beat from walking. Haha.

*Thank you God, for helping me find wonderful people to be the parents of my son.*

Happy Easter!!

Wish I could have been with my family! But at least I had some food! ...minus the collard greens...

I called Brent and Stacy* today. Talked to them awhile. We are all anxious to meet on Tuesday. We are going to the Macaroni Grill. I can't wait.

Weird... they don't know what pierogies are!!

From God's Arms, To My Arm's, To Yours

So Many wrong decisions in my past.

I'm not quite sure if I can ever trust my judgement anymore.

But lately I've been thinking,

Cause it's all I've had to do.

And in my heart I feel that I should give this child to you.

And maybe, you could tell your baby,

When you love him so, that he's been loved before.

By someone, who delivered your son, from God's arms, to my arms, to yours.

If you choose to tell him,

If he wants to know.

How the one who gave him life

Could bear to let him go.

Just tell him there were sleepless nights, I prayed and paced the floors,

And knew the only peace I'd find,

Was if this child was yours.

And maybe, you could tell your baby,

When you love him so, that he's been loved before,

By someone who delivered your son, from God's arms, to my arms, to yours.

This may not be the answer, for another girl like me.

But I'm not on a soapbox

Saying how we all should be.

I'm just trusting in my feelings,

And I 'm trusting in God above,

And I 'm trusting you can give this baby both his mother's love.

And maybe, you could tell your baby,

When you love him so, that he's been loved before.

By someone, who delivered your son, from God's arms, to my arms, to yours.

...The poem I'm giving to Brent and Stacy*...

Kim let me know that the possible father #2 agreed to sign. He's signing today @ 5pm.

I am so relieved.

Kim told me not to have any more contact with the JERK. She's gonna have Keely from legal contact him. She said many people go thru this & the father ends up signing becuz he doesn't have the money to fight the mother. I hope that's the case.

Happy news time: my face to face will be on March 25th. I can't wait!! :)

Anne Elaine is absolutely beautiful. I stopped in on Britt's* nursery visit today. Ann has the prettiest face & the fullest head of black hair ADORABLE!! She's so tiny. I didn't want to hold her, I was too freaked out. But Britt* seemed good with her. I guess it's that mother instinct...

On a less happy note. I got a text from possible father #2. He told me he's not signing the papers. He will have his girlfriend help raise the baby. I'm so pissed off. He was the one who said he didn't want anything to do with me or the baby. But now after I accept what I am doing & I pick my son's parent's, he tells me he wants to raise the child.

Hell No!!

What am I supposed to do? He's messing up my entire plan. I he doesn't want to sign the papers, I'm gonna raise my son. I'm not letting him & his "girlfriend" raise MY son. UGH! I need to talk to Kim...

At least Shane* signed his papers.

Sigh... Boring weekend. I'm ready to have the baby . I'm starting to sleep less and pee more. Ha. It sucks. I can't sleep comfortably. I always wake up on my back freaking out because you aren't suppose to lie on your back. It cuts off a major vein or something of that sort. I'm used to sleeping on my belly, but I can't :(. I guess I can't complain because this is my first side effect from pregnancy.

and damn it, it still don't know when my face-to-face with Brent and Stacy* is going to be. :( I think I'm gonna frame a sono picture for them. And I found a poem I want to print & frame for them.

Ugh. I don't think Britt* is coming back to the dorm. She hasn't been back yet. I have a feeling she is gonna stay home & just come back to do her visits. I don't blame her...

Yay! Britt's* baby Ann Elaine was welcomed into the world today! Congrats Britt*! She's really healthy and beautiful. :)

so today Kim & I filled out my post adoption agreement. I had to decide if & when I wanted to get updates. Of course I do, I just gotta pray that my AP's will send them since it's an agreement of the heart.

I'm getting closer to some of the other girls here. I think it's important for me to have contacts that are going through the same thing...

OMG. I haven't written in awhile. A lot has happened... The other day, we had a "panel". It was when all us birth moms at the dorm & community got together to listen to some speakers. The guest speakers were a past birth mom & her mom, a Gladney adoptee, & past adoptive parents. The birth mom spoke about her adoption journey. Everything from telling her family she was pregnant, to details about her placement day. She had some problems with her AP's. She picked a couple but it didn't work out which left her heartbroken & she eventually made connection with a wonderful couple. She warned us that placement day will be the hardest thing we will do. But at least she is living proof that you can accept this & move on to a normal happy life without forgetting your child. She still hears form her AP's & is doing okay. I enjoyed hearing the Gladney adoptee speak. She was shared through adoption over 20 years ago. She was honest with all her feelings about being adopted. She admitted the she wondered why her mom wouldn't have wanted her. She came on a tour of Gladney & imagined what her mother went through. She said she wasn't sure if she wanted to meet her mother, but eventually she did. They still have a relationship to this day & her & her two mothers get together. I can only hope that my adoption turns out as positive... The adoptive parents spoke last. It was interesting hearing the process they went through. They already had a biological daughter, then decided to adopt. It was heartwarming hearing them share about being chosen by their birth mother & getting to know her. They still keep in contact with their birth mom &they actually get together once a year.They said the birth mom doesn't want to meet her son yet. It would be awesome to have that offered. I would take hat offer in a heartbeat. Not even to be offered to see your child, but to get together with your AP's after the adoption is final. At least you'd get to heat their voices & hear funny stories about your child. But that probably won't happen... That's why it's only "semi-open" anyways, this panel was very enlightening. Just to hear how everyone felt, it was helpful.

So Britt's* been having problems. She's been put on bed rest because she was putting on weight like crazy. And her blood pressure was through the roof. Next she woke me up in the middle of an evening because she was bleeding, so she was taken to the hospital. She came back with a urine collection container & was stuck in bed again. Finally, she went to Dr. Irwin & got induced today!! She's probably thrilled. She wanted her baby girl out of her. Haha. Britt's* daughter she be welcomed to the world soon.

So I talked with Stacy* again too. Shea called me the other day to get to know me. We talked a good while. We found out we have many things in common such as being in drama & color guard in high school, having all sisters & family's with every one's first name beginning with "S", & the fact that we both love to make brownies. Haha. I just feel so comfortable talking with them. It feels like I've known them forever. They aren't much older than me, so I don't know , I'm kinda feeling as if they are my siblings. sounds weird, I know. But hell, they're going to be my family soon. I hope our face-to-face goes well. I'm so nervous. I want to give them a gift when I meet them. Something special...

I am getting HUGE!! It's like my stomach grew out of nowhere. Dr. Irwin keeps telling me that the baby is a BIG boy. That's kinda scary. I don't want them to have to give me a C-section! I can tell the baby is getting bigger, he can't tumble anymore. He can only kick. It's all baby down there! I'm scared as hell to actually go thru giving birth, but I'm so anxious to meet my little man. :)

You know it is true... when you pick your adoptive parents, it feels like this huge weight got lifted off of my shoulders. I'm so excited... I know that's weird to say, but I am excited. I want to get to know Brent and Stacy*! Choosing them means I'm one step closer to making a wonderful plan for my son's life. I feel like I'm doing the right thing for my son & me. I want him to have a fabulous life...the life he deserves and I am confident the Stacy & Brent* can give that to him. I wonder when my face- to face will be?? :)

So I told Kim that my convo with Stacy and Brent* went wonderfully & that I wanted to choose them! She gave me the option of letting their caseworker tell them, or let them know myself. Of course I want to tell them the good news!! I'm gonna call them later tonight but first I have to call my mom & get a creative way to say "I choose you!" I want it to be creative.

.............................................................................................................................................

So shortly after 7 I dialed the 1-800 # Stacy & Brent* have given me. Stacy* answered she seemed a little surprised to hear form me. I told her I a few more questions to ask them & if Brent could get on the line too. Unfortunately he couldn't because she was on the cell. But he was in the same room. I said "you better get ready to celebrate, because you have 3 holidays coming up" She seemed a little confused so next I said "not only will you have Easter to celebrate, but you will have your first mother's & father's day because we're going to have a son! I want you as my AP's!!" Stacy* started crying & that's when I lost it. We all cried for a few minutes & then I said my goodbyes & let them have time together to let the news sink in... They were going to be parents!!

Just hearing how happy they were brought a huge smile to my face. :)

Wow. That was quick. Kim told me that Stacy & Brent will call at 7pm TONIGHT. I'm so excited, yet a little nervous. What if they don't like me? But my mom said she emailed me a list of questions that I may want to ask them. I'm going to call my parents real quick then collect my thoughts.

.........................................................................................................................................................

Haha. At 6:30pm, I was in my dorm room anxiously passing the time with Britt*. I was so nervous, my hands were shaking. I don't know why I am nervous? I don't have to impress them; but I still wanted them to like me. :) Exactly at 7:01pm, my dorm phone rang. I answered it to hear a very quiet yet gentle voice say "hello Samantha" I knew it was obviously Stacy*. I was honest with her form the beginning & let her know that I was nervous. Haha. That's when she admitted that she was nervous too! She then asked if her husband Brent could get on the line too. I said yes, because I wanted to talk to them both. After the initial hellos & awkwardness, the convo started to flow effortlessly & it felt like I've known them all my life. We talked awhile, because Britt* coming in to see if I was done yet. Haha. They asked about me & My life. And then I asked them my list of question. Stacy seemed so quiet. She talked, becuz I heard her southern accent. But she just seems like she's the quiet type. Brent seems very nice too. He seemed to be a joker, but an awesome person. I learned that they grew up near each other . And when they went on their first date in high school, they knew they were soul mates. They got married after college. Brent is a doctor. Not sure what kind? Stacy is an elementary school drama teacher. That's something we have in common. Not the teacher part, but that we both like drama. Haha. Both of their families live nearby, & they are close to both sides. I asked what attribute they had that would make them good parents... and I realy liked the fact that the answered why they think the other one would be a good parent instead of talking about themselves. I liked that they complimented one another. They seem to have a great relationship. Both Stacy & Brent* agreed that they were more than willing to send pictures/letters to their birth mom. They both also said thet they woudl raise thier child know ing about the adoption & that they would share a scrapbook with the child on the birth mom. That made me feel confidenet. I don't want my son finding at he afe of 18 that he is adopted, and have his whole world come crashign down. I want him to know he was adopted &that I exist and that becuz he was adopted doesn't mean I don't love him or that he's "different".

Stacy and Brent* made me feel good about the adoption. I kept wondering when you think you found your AP's if you'll just "know" they are the ones. Well my question got answered tonight. After I hung up with Stacy & Brent*, I just felt at ease. I feltliek a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I believe I foudn my son's parents! :)

I can't wait to tell Kim that I chose them!

I can't wait to call and tell them too!

Gotta go call the parents & tell them how it went!

:) Well as I said I got my profiles! I looked at the one couple who I saw online first. I loved their profile, but I promised I would be fair & look at all the other couples. They all seemed like nice families. However, I think I found the couple for me & my son. they are of course the couple online. When I received their profile, I was so excited! But when I opened it and got a better glimpse into their lives, I feel something in me that I can't explain. It's like God was telling me they were the ones for me. I know it didn't take long for me to decide, but I'm telling you it just feels right!

I'm gonna tell Kim that I choose Stacy & Brent* & see if we can set up a phone call. :)

....continued...

Yay! I got my profiles!! Time to look at them! I'll write more later! :)

Met with Kim today. It was productive... Did some paperwork & talked about everything. She thinks I'm doing good because I'm not scared to show my emotions & cry. Or talk about how hard placement day is going to be. I think it's better to talk about everything & take the emotions one day at a time. I don't want to act like I'm not going to go through something hard.

...I don't want it to hit me like a ton of bricks when placement day rolls around...

So, my thoughts for the day:

I know my due date isn't until May. But on the weekends, I've been working on my projects. By projects I mean, what I'm gonna give my Ap's to give to my son.

Before moving down here my Mom & I bought a wooden keepsake box that I wanna engrave with the name my AP's choose. I am gonna fill it with little knick-knacks about me. I'm hoping to but materials to make him a blanket.

But most importantly, I am going to tape record a letter for him. I was going to just write a letter, but my Mom Convinced me to record what I wanna say in the letter because he'll actually get to hear my voice & feel the emotions I'm going through. But... what do I say?

I mean... I can explain me & my life. I can try to explain to him my reasons for doing adoption & the process I'm going through to choose his parents. But there's one thing I can't explain...

How do you tell someone how much you love them on a recording? I've always heard that you don't know true love until you hold your child in your arms for the first time...

Just because I am doing adoption it doesn't mean I'm going to love him any less. He's part of me. He's my flesh & blood. I may not be with him during his life, but he's a;ways going to be a part of my life. He's not even born yet , but I'm getting attached... it's such a unique feeling when he kicks me or hiccups. It's like a daily occurrence... I wonder if you miss it once the baby is born...

But back to the point. I guess you just gotta try your hardest to make sure your child knows you love them. And hope that the AP's tell the child about you &your love for them.

So, I'm gonna admit it... I hate the weekends!!

Yes at least they have outings planned, but when you're at the dorm, it's so damn boring. I mean 90% of the girls go home for the weekend, so it's kinda quiet. Everyone keeps to themselves, so it makes for a very boring & long 2 1/2 days. Britt*leaves me...:( it's nice to have the room to myself & actually get some sleep without being woken up by Britt's* crazy sleeping schedule. But at the same time it makes me think about too much.

What am I thinking about?

...why I can't raise my son... I want him to be with me! Shane* offered to help me raise him, but I know I can't rely on him. We may not be together forever & I can't put that burden on him. At the same time , I know I need to finish school to make a better life for myself. And I don't want to be working 3 minimum wage jobs, while being on welfare & living with my parents. That's no life for my son or me. I KNOW THAT. But I still wish he could stay with me. When I'm in public & see younger girls who are moms, it makes me wonder why I can't do it. It hurts.

But everyone keeps telling me I am doing the right thing for my son. I'm doing what I need to do to give him the best chance of a life.

...I really hope he'll understand why I chose to do adoption...