Oh my gosh. Jake* looked so cute in his little pants outfit today. He really did look like a little man. Mom & I had a great visit today. Jake's* tummy was feeling better, so he was all smiles today. Literally. We got some great photos & videos of his many smiles. He's just too adorable. I enjoyed spending my time with him. I just love him so much.

I gave my plants to all the house moms & said my thank you's to them today. I know they don't hear it a lot because usually when a birth mom goes to them, it's with a complaint. But those house moms do everything to try and make our stay enjoyable. All of them were a great help to me and I just wanted them to know they are appreciated.

I packed everything up today. Mom arrived today. She came & picked me up for lunch. I don't think I've ever gotten such a big hug from her as I did when she first saw me. It was great to see her. We talked at lunch as if the past 3 months didn't happen. It was nice to be able to freely talk to my mom for the first time.

We were back at Gladney by 1:30 . I showed my mom the dorm & then we waited for Mary to arrive with Jake*. I knew it was going to be an emotional day.

When I heard the knock at the door & saw Mary walking down the hall with my little man, I knew the tears were going to start. Sure enough I looked at my mom & she was already crying. I let her hold Jake* first. Her & Mary got along great. Mom couldn't get over how handsome Jake* was. Mary left us to our visit & there was a lot of silence. I was just watching mom enjoy her time with her grandson. I think she's cherishing every minute. I barely got to hold Jake*, but it was okay. He had some stomach problems because we had to change his diaper like every 30 mins. Mary said she might ask the Dr. tomorrow about changing the formula. This was the first time I really heard him cry. It broke my heart that he wasn't feeling good & I couldn't help him/ All we could do was hold him & ding to him. After Mary picked him up, my mom & I moved me out of the dorm. I was SO excited. W got onto the hotel & went shopping for a placement outfit for Jake*, gifts for the houseparents, Kim & Mary.

It feels good to be out. :)

My visit with Jake* was wonderful today. Jesse* & Rachel* came to meet Jake* along with Amara. Jake* was an angel. No crying at all. Hew was perfectly content. I just can't get over how handsome he is. Amara* only stayed for a few minutes. Jesse* & Rachel* stayed the whole visit. I kinda wished they would have given me some alone time, but at the same time, I got some really good pictures of me with Jake*.

Tomorrow Jake* will be introduce to Grammy.

I slept so good last night. I think it was a mixture of my emotions I'm going through & the fact that I still haven't caught up to the exhaustion of giving birth...

I woke up knowing that it's going to be a rough morning. I met with Kim today to sign my papers. Yes I officially signed my parental rights away today. I thought I'd be okay because I've read through the sample papers several times to prepare myself. Yeah... It didn't help. Actually hearing Kim say things like"it's in the child's best interest that this child-parent relationship is terminated permanently".---- It hit you like a ton a bricks. I think I was trying to be strong & hold it in, but when Heather looked at me and reassured me that it's ok to cry, I lost it.

I know this is what I needed to do, but it doesn't mean it hurt any less. I'm going through this pain to give Jake* the best life possible, I know that. They could have been a little nicer with the words in the legal documents...

I had my first visit with Jake* at Gladney today too. I was so excited when I saw Mary walking down the hall with him. Mary ended staying most of the visit talking with me about everything. I'm so glad me & Jake* got her for transitional care! When Jake* & I were alone, Jake* got his first ride in a swing & he loved it. We also played paddy cake & itsy bitsy spider. Then we just rocked in the rocking chair while I told him again why I'm sharing him with Brent & Stacy* and how much I loved him. Eventually Mary came to pick him up & we said our goodbyes, I was okay because I knew I would see him again tomorrow..

I called Brent & Stacy* to tell them about my first visit with Jake* & that I signed my papers. They already knew about the papers. They offered to pay for me to stay at a hotel until my mom comes Tuesday.. I would have jumped on the offer, but I wouldn't have a way of getting to my visits. And I wasn't about to miss out on my Jake* visits.

I woke up early this morning to have Jake* delivered to my room. I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could. We had a great day singing & looking at the trees through the windows. I'm amazed at how peaceful he is. Since he was born, i haven't really heard him full-out cry. He whimpers & complains. He makes the cutest sounds and he's very alert. he doesn't sleep much.

I am in so much pain, but it didn't even matter once Jake* came into my room. I was focused on him...

Leaving the hospital was absolutely devastating. It hurt so bad to leave Jake* behind. To see a mother leaving with her newborn the same time as me was heart wrenching. It was like someone stabbed me in the side, it hurt like hell. Why does she get to keep her baby? It's not fair. When we pulled away from the hospital, I kept looking backwards because I felt like I left a huge part of me behind.

Arriving back at the dorm was pure hell. I was so glad Sandrine was the weekend houseparent. Amara* greeted me to our room with a smile even though we had our differences the day I left. As soon as Cynthia left me, Sandrine, & Amara* alone I broke down in tears & fell into Sandrine's arms. She knew it was hard for me to leave Jake* behind. The rest of the day I shared pictures with Amara* & talked to Rachel* about the labor process. Then I just been keeping to myself.

If it hurt to leave Jake* at the hospital, I can't even imagine what placement day will be like...

Oh man. The pain down below has intensified today. It hurts to sit, walk, or lie down. It's been a busy day. Kim came to visit with Jake* & me, She said he was handsome. When she left, I spent some quality time with my baby boy. I just lied with him in the hospital bed, & we talked. Jake* passed his hearing test today. He got to meet Crystal too. She came to visit me for awhile. While she was here, Jake* "got his first official photo" taken. Heather came to visit & Sandrine called. Like I said... busy day!

I just about had a heart attack when I was feeding Jake*. He spit up & started turning blue. I tried to suction, but it didn't help. Luckily a nurse cam e& helped. I started crying hysterically. The rest of the day Jake* & I just lied down with one another. Tonight was the first time I sang him "You are my sunshine". I sang it to him while he was in my tummy, but it's more special now.

B & S* sent me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers.

I was supposed to be discharged today, but Dr. Irwin extended my stay since Jake* has to stay one day longer than usual because of his fever. At least I get one more day with him before moving back into the dorm...

Welcome to the World

Jake Lee*

7.15lbs 20.5 inches

This morning was kinda slow I didn't feel anything at all. I had my epidural before Dr. Irwin broke my water. The epidural worked wonders. I honestly didn't fell anything until around 4:15pm, when I got the sudden urge to use the restroom. Mary said it was the baby;s head putting pressure on my pelvis. Suzy checked me & sure enough I was dilated to a 10. She went to get Dr. Irwin... Suzy & Lynn made start doing practice pushes at 4:30pm. I did & she told me to stop, but I couldn't , sure enough Dr. Irwin got there & I pushed three times & then I heard the most beautiful baby's cry. Jake* was born at exactly 5:00pm. Only 30 minutes of pushing? not bad! It really didn't even hurt to much. Getting stitched up was worse. But I didn't care about the pain... I was too focused on the beautiful baby boy I just brought into the world. Absolutely amazing. i only got to hold him for a minute because he was born with slight fever. But I tell you what, that one minute was the most magical moment of my life. Getting to meet the little man who's been inside me for the past 9 months, I can't explain it. I never knew you could love someone so much. Holding him for that one minute reassured me I'm doing the right thing for him. I can't give this little one the life he deserves, but his soon to be parents can. Well, I'm gonna call the parents, boyfriend, B&S*, etc.

He is so beautiful. It seemed like forever until Jake* was able to be with me again. At least it gave me time to eat my Wendy's that Mary got me. Haha. I got to talk to mom & dad. and Shane*... but he aggravates me. I don't care what guy Jake* looks like. He's beautiful, and I love him regardless of who his father is or isn't. I moved rooms. I'm in a nicer recovery room. Jake* was finally able to join me shortly after 9pm. He was all wrapped up in his blankets with a white hat on. But her was wide awake. His little toes were poking out of the blanket, which gave me a chance to look at his big feet the Dr.Irwin proclaimed he had when he was born. and holy cow , they are huge. I just sat there holding him as close as I could. I think I just stared at him. It's just so hard to believe he was the little guy kicking me from the inside. And it's hard to come to terms that I only have a week with him. I'm already telling him how much I love him & why I'm sharing him with Stacy & Brent *. I know it's impossible, but I like to believe that one day Jake* will be able to remember the time we spent together. :(

I had to call Stacy & Brent * and tell them about Jake*. I refused to let their caseworker call them. Stacy answered, I told her all about my basically painless birthing process. I shared how beautiful Jake* was and I told her that he's already a happy baby with a story about how 3 minutes after being born & I was handing him back to the nurse, he smiled at eh two of us. She said it's because he's a special boy. She also said that her and Brent* are proud of me. That felt good to hear.

After talking with them I needed to say my good nights to Jake*. I'm so tired.

Well, the day has come!

I will go to the hospital with Heather at 5:00pm.

I will write more after Jake* has arrived!

Wish Me Luck!!

No Jake* isn't born yet. I haven't even been induced yet. After I got hooked up to an iv & the monitors, the nurse noticed I was contracting frequently, but I wasn't dilated. Because I was having contractions they couldn't induce me. so i just kind of laid there being inconvenienced every time I had to pee because I needed to be unhooked & carry all the dang iv with me. Oh well, at least I can't feel the contractions. Eventually the nurse Suzy came in & gave me the stuff to induce me. What a pain that was. I don't want something shoved up there when a baby is supposed to be coming out. Ugh. Uncomfortable. Now it's just a waiting game... I need to go get some sleep. I'm gonna need it for tomorrow.

AHH! I go in tomorrow for my inducement I need to pack my hospital bag. But I'm too damn nervous to even think about what I need... At least I know that Mary will be my CBC (Child Birth Coordinator) on Friday. I hope I get her as Jake's* transitional care mom...

Whoo! so my mom's flying down the 29th. I'm gonna stay at the hotel with her & then we both fly home on May 6th.

This was my last visit with Brent & Stacy* until placement day... I'm glad they got a chance to come see em one more time. They didn't arrive until around dinnertime on Saturday. We had a plan to go to On the Border because I had a craving for Mexican. Haha. I made sure to take my scrapbook to show them what I have completed so far. We had a wait until we could be seated, so we sat on a bench outside & the two of them looked at my scrapbook. It seemed like they liked it... and I believe they will share it with Jake*, when they feel it's the right time. Once they were done looking at the scrapbook, I knew it was time to tell them about the inducement. So I told them that our son will be born by next week.They were excited & speechless.I think they were kind of taken back... this happened quickly. It seems like just yesterday they were calling me for the first time . Dinner was awesome. My chicken tacos were delicious. :) We had a funny waiter who got Stacy * to believe the dessert menu was a scratch n' sniff menu. It t was pretty funny. Brent * & I got talking about country music. Haha. He did say that Toby Keith's songs "I wanna talk about me" and High maintenance woman" are about Stacy*. That made me laugh. I'm glad that they can both show me their goofy sides.

The last thing we talked about that night was if they wanted to attend a nursery visit with my mom, me & Jake*. Kim looked at me like I was crazy when I asked if my AP's could attend a nursery visit. My logic behind it is this: if I see Brent & Stacy* with Jake- holding him, feeding him, changing him, etc- I'll get a lot of my emotions out so therefore I can attempt to make my placement day more of a celebration... of joining two families. I'm just glad that B&S agreed to attend the nursery visit.

Sunday we went to lunch at the Olive Garden. It was more of a "serious" day today. Over lunch, we hashed out all of my last minute questions. " realized that I never really asked why they chose to adopt. They told me they tried to have kids, but eventually found out they had fertility problems. Next was religion... Jake * won't be baptised but they will have a special offering of him. And last but not least, our son will officially be named Jake Lee*. There were some awkward moments of silence where I think we were all letting it sink in that the next time we will see each other, our son will be there too. It's just a strange thought...

GUESS WHO'S GETTING INDUCED?????

Hell yeah baby! That's right. At my last visit with Dr. Irwin today, the nurse checked me & said there's a possibility of an inducement. She said she would have Dr. Irwin call the houseparents since he was in a delivery... but it was great timing because he came back right before we left. I met with him and he said I'm gonna be induced not sure which day... but within a week, Jake* will be born!!

I have some good news to tell Brent & Stacy* tomorrow!!

Well I have officially finished my scrapbook for now. Until I get some pictures of Jake* & me. I'm still working on the blanket I'm making...

I'm excited. I called Brent & Stacy* a few days ago & asked if they wanted to hang out with me one more time before everything went down, so they're gonna come see me this weekend. It will be nice to spend some more time with them before Jake* is welcomed into the world. :)

My stomach is getting bigger & bigger. Jake* needs to stop growing. Haha. He's big enough already.

As the stomach gets bigger, the more frequent the bathroom trips come. Especially at night. I can barely sleep anymore :(

I've been trying to induce my labor by walking on the treadmill daily. But so far, the only effect I'm getting is an angry baby. Haha.

Only 14 more days! (if I'm on time)

So on Friday Dr. Irwin said the sono looks good. He's quesstimating that Jake* is 8.5-9 lbs. That's a big boy to push out of me. I joked around about being induced, but he wasn't very happy. According to him, the baby will come out when he's ready. Ugh. I only have 16 days... May 1st can't come soon enough. I'm starting to get to where Britt* was, with the " I WANT THIS BABY OUT OF ME!" feeling.

...speaking of Britt*, she had her placement day this weekend. I gave Sara a letter to give to Britt* with all my contact info because i figured I wouldn't be seeing her anymore. BY my surprise, Britt* called me shortly before her placement was to begin. I went down to visit real quick. She was dressing Ann as I walked in... Britt* seemed to be holding it together. I told her she's in my prayers & to never hesitate to contact me. I said my goodbye to Ann, then I gave Britt* a hug. That's when I felt all the emotions she was going through. The hurt, the doubt, the anger, the joy... all of it. We just hugged for a few minutes & then I left. I wanted her to have a few last minutes with her daughter.

You know, Britt* was a crazy roomie. at times, but I love her to death. I'm so glad I got to meet her & go through this experience together. I can honestly say, that I see her as friend for life.

Yay! I had my sono today! My last pictures of Jake* when he's inside of me. I'm sticking to my word... He is going to be a handsome big boy. I can already tell by his alien-like picture. Hahaha. He looks smart too.

I go to Dr. Irwin tomorrow to see what he has to say about the sono.

Ugh. Another boring weekend. Just kinda lounged around. I'm feeling for Britt*; I know her placement day is coming up. I think alot of girls are gonna be having their placements days soon...

I don't even want to think about placement. I made up my mind, I'm doing 1 or 2 weeks with Jake*, depending on when mom flies out & back.

I'm scared to see mom. The last time we saw each other was Feb. 19th... she's disappointed in me, but at least she wants to fly out for moral support on placement day. I need to sign my papers before she comes tho, because I don't need any of that "are you sure?" business. I know I'm doing what I need to for Jake*.

It's just a strange thought that the next time my mom sees me, I'll be a mother to a beautiful baby boy.

I really hope she can come. At least that way someone in my life will have met Jake*. I know it will be hard for her and my dad to think of Jake* as a grandson... but I still wish that both of them could meet him. Hopefully maybe when Jake* is older, he'll want to meet the other half of his family in PA...

Hey! a girl can dream!

And if I've learned anything through this whole thing, it's to think positive!

Went to Dr. Irwin today. Jake's * heartbeat & weight are perfect. Dr. Irwin still thinks he's going to be a big baby!

But Yay! I get to have my last sono on next Thursday.

I've been working on my scrapbook... it's been taking me a long time to finish it. However it won't be complete until I have pictures of me & the baby. I just hope that Brent & Stacy* do truly share this with Jake*.

Oh yeah I forgot to write that I talked to them about names. They each had a choice... Stacy* chose Jake * & Brent*chose Jesse. I naturally sided with Stacy* because when I hear the name Jesse for a boy I think of Uncle Jesse from Full House, and the is not what I want to think of when I am thinking of our son. Haha. I like Jake* though... it sounds Southern.

You know, I wonder if my parents supported me coming to Texas & my decision to do an adoption plan, to benefit them? This way they don't have to be embarrassed by an unwed pregnant daughter? I hate to think that. I hope they support my decision because they believe that I'm doing what's best for my son.

I know just two days ago I was telling you how much I love my AP's... and don't get me wrong, my opinion has definitely not changed. It's just being that my due date is one month away, it's putting some doubts in my head. I know I'm doing the right thing for my son. I won't change my mind because I know I'm not ready to be a mom. Plus I couldn't crush Brent & Stacy * like that. However there's once again the little voice in my head that's saying not to sign the papers. Raise him. I wish I could...but if I can't raise him, I would be honored that Brent and Stacy* will...