So I told Kim that my convo with Stacy and Brent* went wonderfully & that I wanted to choose them! She gave me the option of letting their caseworker tell them, or let them know myself. Of course I want to tell them the good news!! I'm gonna call them later tonight but first I have to call my mom & get a creative way to say "I choose you!" I want it to be creative.

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So shortly after 7 I dialed the 1-800 # Stacy & Brent* have given me. Stacy* answered she seemed a little surprised to hear form me. I told her I a few more questions to ask them & if Brent could get on the line too. Unfortunately he couldn't because she was on the cell. But he was in the same room. I said "you better get ready to celebrate, because you have 3 holidays coming up" She seemed a little confused so next I said "not only will you have Easter to celebrate, but you will have your first mother's & father's day because we're going to have a son! I want you as my AP's!!" Stacy* started crying & that's when I lost it. We all cried for a few minutes & then I said my goodbyes & let them have time together to let the news sink in... They were going to be parents!!

Just hearing how happy they were brought a huge smile to my face. :)

Wow. That was quick. Kim told me that Stacy & Brent will call at 7pm TONIGHT. I'm so excited, yet a little nervous. What if they don't like me? But my mom said she emailed me a list of questions that I may want to ask them. I'm going to call my parents real quick then collect my thoughts.

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Haha. At 6:30pm, I was in my dorm room anxiously passing the time with Britt*. I was so nervous, my hands were shaking. I don't know why I am nervous? I don't have to impress them; but I still wanted them to like me. :) Exactly at 7:01pm, my dorm phone rang. I answered it to hear a very quiet yet gentle voice say "hello Samantha" I knew it was obviously Stacy*. I was honest with her form the beginning & let her know that I was nervous. Haha. That's when she admitted that she was nervous too! She then asked if her husband Brent could get on the line too. I said yes, because I wanted to talk to them both. After the initial hellos & awkwardness, the convo started to flow effortlessly & it felt like I've known them all my life. We talked awhile, because Britt* coming in to see if I was done yet. Haha. They asked about me & My life. And then I asked them my list of question. Stacy seemed so quiet. She talked, becuz I heard her southern accent. But she just seems like she's the quiet type. Brent seems very nice too. He seemed to be a joker, but an awesome person. I learned that they grew up near each other . And when they went on their first date in high school, they knew they were soul mates. They got married after college. Brent is a doctor. Not sure what kind? Stacy is an elementary school drama teacher. That's something we have in common. Not the teacher part, but that we both like drama. Haha. Both of their families live nearby, & they are close to both sides. I asked what attribute they had that would make them good parents... and I realy liked the fact that the answered why they think the other one would be a good parent instead of talking about themselves. I liked that they complimented one another. They seem to have a great relationship. Both Stacy & Brent* agreed that they were more than willing to send pictures/letters to their birth mom. They both also said thet they woudl raise thier child know ing about the adoption & that they would share a scrapbook with the child on the birth mom. That made me feel confidenet. I don't want my son finding at he afe of 18 that he is adopted, and have his whole world come crashign down. I want him to know he was adopted &that I exist and that becuz he was adopted doesn't mean I don't love him or that he's "different".

Stacy and Brent* made me feel good about the adoption. I kept wondering when you think you found your AP's if you'll just "know" they are the ones. Well my question got answered tonight. After I hung up with Stacy & Brent*, I just felt at ease. I feltliek a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I believe I foudn my son's parents! :)

I can't wait to tell Kim that I chose them!

I can't wait to call and tell them too!

Gotta go call the parents & tell them how it went!

:) Well as I said I got my profiles! I looked at the one couple who I saw online first. I loved their profile, but I promised I would be fair & look at all the other couples. They all seemed like nice families. However, I think I found the couple for me & my son. they are of course the couple online. When I received their profile, I was so excited! But when I opened it and got a better glimpse into their lives, I feel something in me that I can't explain. It's like God was telling me they were the ones for me. I know it didn't take long for me to decide, but I'm telling you it just feels right!

I'm gonna tell Kim that I choose Stacy & Brent* & see if we can set up a phone call. :)

....continued...

Yay! I got my profiles!! Time to look at them! I'll write more later! :)

Met with Kim today. It was productive... Did some paperwork & talked about everything. She thinks I'm doing good because I'm not scared to show my emotions & cry. Or talk about how hard placement day is going to be. I think it's better to talk about everything & take the emotions one day at a time. I don't want to act like I'm not going to go through something hard.

...I don't want it to hit me like a ton of bricks when placement day rolls around...

So, my thoughts for the day:

I know my due date isn't until May. But on the weekends, I've been working on my projects. By projects I mean, what I'm gonna give my Ap's to give to my son.

Before moving down here my Mom & I bought a wooden keepsake box that I wanna engrave with the name my AP's choose. I am gonna fill it with little knick-knacks about me. I'm hoping to but materials to make him a blanket.

But most importantly, I am going to tape record a letter for him. I was going to just write a letter, but my Mom Convinced me to record what I wanna say in the letter because he'll actually get to hear my voice & feel the emotions I'm going through. But... what do I say?

I mean... I can explain me & my life. I can try to explain to him my reasons for doing adoption & the process I'm going through to choose his parents. But there's one thing I can't explain...

How do you tell someone how much you love them on a recording? I've always heard that you don't know true love until you hold your child in your arms for the first time...

Just because I am doing adoption it doesn't mean I'm going to love him any less. He's part of me. He's my flesh & blood. I may not be with him during his life, but he's a;ways going to be a part of my life. He's not even born yet , but I'm getting attached... it's such a unique feeling when he kicks me or hiccups. It's like a daily occurrence... I wonder if you miss it once the baby is born...

But back to the point. I guess you just gotta try your hardest to make sure your child knows you love them. And hope that the AP's tell the child about you &your love for them.

So, I'm gonna admit it... I hate the weekends!!

Yes at least they have outings planned, but when you're at the dorm, it's so damn boring. I mean 90% of the girls go home for the weekend, so it's kinda quiet. Everyone keeps to themselves, so it makes for a very boring & long 2 1/2 days. Britt*leaves me...:( it's nice to have the room to myself & actually get some sleep without being woken up by Britt's* crazy sleeping schedule. But at the same time it makes me think about too much.

What am I thinking about?

...why I can't raise my son... I want him to be with me! Shane* offered to help me raise him, but I know I can't rely on him. We may not be together forever & I can't put that burden on him. At the same time , I know I need to finish school to make a better life for myself. And I don't want to be working 3 minimum wage jobs, while being on welfare & living with my parents. That's no life for my son or me. I KNOW THAT. But I still wish he could stay with me. When I'm in public & see younger girls who are moms, it makes me wonder why I can't do it. It hurts.

But everyone keeps telling me I am doing the right thing for my son. I'm doing what I need to do to give him the best chance of a life.

...I really hope he'll understand why I chose to do adoption...