Oh my gosh. Jake* looked so cute in his little pants outfit today. He really did look like a little man. Mom & I had a great visit today. Jake's* tummy was feeling better, so he was all smiles today. Literally. We got some great photos & videos of his many smiles. He's just too adorable. I enjoyed spending my time with him. I just love him so much.

I gave my plants to all the house moms & said my thank you's to them today. I know they don't hear it a lot because usually when a birth mom goes to them, it's with a complaint. But those house moms do everything to try and make our stay enjoyable. All of them were a great help to me and I just wanted them to know they are appreciated.

I packed everything up today. Mom arrived today. She came & picked me up for lunch. I don't think I've ever gotten such a big hug from her as I did when she first saw me. It was great to see her. We talked at lunch as if the past 3 months didn't happen. It was nice to be able to freely talk to my mom for the first time.

We were back at Gladney by 1:30 . I showed my mom the dorm & then we waited for Mary to arrive with Jake*. I knew it was going to be an emotional day.

When I heard the knock at the door & saw Mary walking down the hall with my little man, I knew the tears were going to start. Sure enough I looked at my mom & she was already crying. I let her hold Jake* first. Her & Mary got along great. Mom couldn't get over how handsome Jake* was. Mary left us to our visit & there was a lot of silence. I was just watching mom enjoy her time with her grandson. I think she's cherishing every minute. I barely got to hold Jake*, but it was okay. He had some stomach problems because we had to change his diaper like every 30 mins. Mary said she might ask the Dr. tomorrow about changing the formula. This was the first time I really heard him cry. It broke my heart that he wasn't feeling good & I couldn't help him/ All we could do was hold him & ding to him. After Mary picked him up, my mom & I moved me out of the dorm. I was SO excited. W got onto the hotel & went shopping for a placement outfit for Jake*, gifts for the houseparents, Kim & Mary.

It feels good to be out. :)

My visit with Jake* was wonderful today. Jesse* & Rachel* came to meet Jake* along with Amara. Jake* was an angel. No crying at all. Hew was perfectly content. I just can't get over how handsome he is. Amara* only stayed for a few minutes. Jesse* & Rachel* stayed the whole visit. I kinda wished they would have given me some alone time, but at the same time, I got some really good pictures of me with Jake*.

Tomorrow Jake* will be introduce to Grammy.

I slept so good last night. I think it was a mixture of my emotions I'm going through & the fact that I still haven't caught up to the exhaustion of giving birth...

I woke up knowing that it's going to be a rough morning. I met with Kim today to sign my papers. Yes I officially signed my parental rights away today. I thought I'd be okay because I've read through the sample papers several times to prepare myself. Yeah... It didn't help. Actually hearing Kim say things like"it's in the child's best interest that this child-parent relationship is terminated permanently".---- It hit you like a ton a bricks. I think I was trying to be strong & hold it in, but when Heather looked at me and reassured me that it's ok to cry, I lost it.

I know this is what I needed to do, but it doesn't mean it hurt any less. I'm going through this pain to give Jake* the best life possible, I know that. They could have been a little nicer with the words in the legal documents...

I had my first visit with Jake* at Gladney today too. I was so excited when I saw Mary walking down the hall with him. Mary ended staying most of the visit talking with me about everything. I'm so glad me & Jake* got her for transitional care! When Jake* & I were alone, Jake* got his first ride in a swing & he loved it. We also played paddy cake & itsy bitsy spider. Then we just rocked in the rocking chair while I told him again why I'm sharing him with Brent & Stacy* and how much I loved him. Eventually Mary came to pick him up & we said our goodbyes, I was okay because I knew I would see him again tomorrow..

I called Brent & Stacy* to tell them about my first visit with Jake* & that I signed my papers. They already knew about the papers. They offered to pay for me to stay at a hotel until my mom comes Tuesday.. I would have jumped on the offer, but I wouldn't have a way of getting to my visits. And I wasn't about to miss out on my Jake* visits.

I woke up early this morning to have Jake* delivered to my room. I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could. We had a great day singing & looking at the trees through the windows. I'm amazed at how peaceful he is. Since he was born, i haven't really heard him full-out cry. He whimpers & complains. He makes the cutest sounds and he's very alert. he doesn't sleep much.

I am in so much pain, but it didn't even matter once Jake* came into my room. I was focused on him...

Leaving the hospital was absolutely devastating. It hurt so bad to leave Jake* behind. To see a mother leaving with her newborn the same time as me was heart wrenching. It was like someone stabbed me in the side, it hurt like hell. Why does she get to keep her baby? It's not fair. When we pulled away from the hospital, I kept looking backwards because I felt like I left a huge part of me behind.

Arriving back at the dorm was pure hell. I was so glad Sandrine was the weekend houseparent. Amara* greeted me to our room with a smile even though we had our differences the day I left. As soon as Cynthia left me, Sandrine, & Amara* alone I broke down in tears & fell into Sandrine's arms. She knew it was hard for me to leave Jake* behind. The rest of the day I shared pictures with Amara* & talked to Rachel* about the labor process. Then I just been keeping to myself.

If it hurt to leave Jake* at the hospital, I can't even imagine what placement day will be like...

Oh man. The pain down below has intensified today. It hurts to sit, walk, or lie down. It's been a busy day. Kim came to visit with Jake* & me, She said he was handsome. When she left, I spent some quality time with my baby boy. I just lied with him in the hospital bed, & we talked. Jake* passed his hearing test today. He got to meet Crystal too. She came to visit me for awhile. While she was here, Jake* "got his first official photo" taken. Heather came to visit & Sandrine called. Like I said... busy day!

I just about had a heart attack when I was feeding Jake*. He spit up & started turning blue. I tried to suction, but it didn't help. Luckily a nurse cam e& helped. I started crying hysterically. The rest of the day Jake* & I just lied down with one another. Tonight was the first time I sang him "You are my sunshine". I sang it to him while he was in my tummy, but it's more special now.

B & S* sent me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers.

I was supposed to be discharged today, but Dr. Irwin extended my stay since Jake* has to stay one day longer than usual because of his fever. At least I get one more day with him before moving back into the dorm...

Welcome to the World

Jake Lee*

7.15lbs 20.5 inches

This morning was kinda slow I didn't feel anything at all. I had my epidural before Dr. Irwin broke my water. The epidural worked wonders. I honestly didn't fell anything until around 4:15pm, when I got the sudden urge to use the restroom. Mary said it was the baby;s head putting pressure on my pelvis. Suzy checked me & sure enough I was dilated to a 10. She went to get Dr. Irwin... Suzy & Lynn made start doing practice pushes at 4:30pm. I did & she told me to stop, but I couldn't , sure enough Dr. Irwin got there & I pushed three times & then I heard the most beautiful baby's cry. Jake* was born at exactly 5:00pm. Only 30 minutes of pushing? not bad! It really didn't even hurt to much. Getting stitched up was worse. But I didn't care about the pain... I was too focused on the beautiful baby boy I just brought into the world. Absolutely amazing. i only got to hold him for a minute because he was born with slight fever. But I tell you what, that one minute was the most magical moment of my life. Getting to meet the little man who's been inside me for the past 9 months, I can't explain it. I never knew you could love someone so much. Holding him for that one minute reassured me I'm doing the right thing for him. I can't give this little one the life he deserves, but his soon to be parents can. Well, I'm gonna call the parents, boyfriend, B&S*, etc.

He is so beautiful. It seemed like forever until Jake* was able to be with me again. At least it gave me time to eat my Wendy's that Mary got me. Haha. I got to talk to mom & dad. and Shane*... but he aggravates me. I don't care what guy Jake* looks like. He's beautiful, and I love him regardless of who his father is or isn't. I moved rooms. I'm in a nicer recovery room. Jake* was finally able to join me shortly after 9pm. He was all wrapped up in his blankets with a white hat on. But her was wide awake. His little toes were poking out of the blanket, which gave me a chance to look at his big feet the Dr.Irwin proclaimed he had when he was born. and holy cow , they are huge. I just sat there holding him as close as I could. I think I just stared at him. It's just so hard to believe he was the little guy kicking me from the inside. And it's hard to come to terms that I only have a week with him. I'm already telling him how much I love him & why I'm sharing him with Stacy & Brent *. I know it's impossible, but I like to believe that one day Jake* will be able to remember the time we spent together. :(

I had to call Stacy & Brent * and tell them about Jake*. I refused to let their caseworker call them. Stacy answered, I told her all about my basically painless birthing process. I shared how beautiful Jake* was and I told her that he's already a happy baby with a story about how 3 minutes after being born & I was handing him back to the nurse, he smiled at eh two of us. She said it's because he's a special boy. She also said that her and Brent* are proud of me. That felt good to hear.

After talking with them I needed to say my good nights to Jake*. I'm so tired.