Jake* had a big day today. I had my last two hour visit with him. It was a somber visit. My mom & I just sat there holding Jake* & crying for a while. Mom was trying to be strong for me, but I know she can tell how much I'm hurting... even though I'm trying to hide it. Most of the visit, I sat on the couch with Jake* sleeping on my chest. It made me feel like I was really close to him and I could whisper how much I love him in his ear. Eventually mom & I got Jake* dressed in the outfit that said "handsome". He got placed in the bassinet & went out to the hall to wait for our guests.

Jake* met his parents today. I waited in the hall for Brent & Stacy*. When their caseworker walked them down the hall, I overheard her reassure Stacy* that everything will be okay. They both looked up at me and we all smiled. We all hugged. We knew it was going to be an emotional day. I first introduced them to mom. then I picked Jake* up & introduced Brent & Stacy* to their son. Stacy* cried as soon as she saw me pick him up. Brent* of course was being a man about it all. Haha. They checked out his big feet & his adorable face. I handed him over to Stacy* & we all sat down on the couch. I could tell B & S* were nervous. They probably felt as if mom & I were judging how they handled Jake*. Not that we were testing them, but if we were, S & B* would have passed with flying colors. Jake* just starred at Stacy's* face as if he were imprinting her face in his memory. She fed him, burped him, & sang to him. Brent* felt comfortable with Jake* too. I think it made mom feel good when Jake*was sleeping on Brent's* lap because Jake's* hands were up in the sign of a happy baby. There were a lot of tears shed between the 3 of us girls. Mom & I shared Jake* stories while S & B* questioned my mom to get to know her a little better. When the end of the visit was coming S & B* left us to say our goodbyes to Jake*. We made plans to meet up fro dinner. Mom & I told Jake* how much we loved him & then we said goodbye.

...that visit was good for me. I'm glad Brent & Stacy* agreed to it. Seeing them with Jake* tugged at my heart strings, but it helped me not only to get a lot of my crying out, but also it reassured me that I chose the right couple. they already loved Jake* so much & he felt absolutely comfortable with them. I should recommend this kind of visit to the other girls...

Dinner was emotional, yet wonderful. It was a good chance for mom to bond with Stacy & Brent*. At first the conversation was light, just general info about each other. Mom shared some stories of me as a child. She also asked S & B* about the adoption process. Mom then proceeded to make me & Stacy* cry by saying that she doesn't want Jake* to think I didn't love him. She wants him to know I love him & that's why I made this adoption plan for him. She then thanked S & B* for being open to me meeting Jake* in the future if that's what he would want. She told them that she thinks I couldn't have chosen a better couple to be Jake's* parents and that she feels better because she knows Jake* will be with two people who will love him dearly. I think dinner overall was a success. I'm glad mom & Brent & Stacy* got to meet one another. I wish dad could have been here...

I finished my scrapbook & video. I got my basket together. The hardest part was recording my message to Jake*. How can you sum up everything you're feeling & thinking in one recording? How do you know what he's gonna want to hear in 18 years? or if he'll even listen to it... it took me many drafts & attempts to get through it without crying hysterically. I said what I wanted to say; my main point to make sure he knows that I love him dearly. That I did what I thought was best for him... I hope he understands one day...

God, please give me the strength and courage I need to get through Placement day tomorrow.