So I opened the mailbox to see something from Gladney. I could tell it was pictures & I knew it was my update.

I was a little hesitant to open it because Brit* forewarned me that I may not be able to recognize him...

I read the letter first they make it seem like he's so grown up already .The way they wrote the letter it made me feel like I was there.

Then I looked at the pictures... Brit* was right. Jake* was of course handsome, but he looked so different already. It made me cry... I just can't believe how much he changed in a month and a half.

He looks so happy with his parents and extended family. He's definitely going to have a ownderful life with Stacy* & Brent*.

I'm so glad they are sending me updates.

I think I want to move to Texas once I'm done with school. Maybe I'll become roomies with Britt* again. Ha.

I'd love to work in the PR dept at Gladney. I think they'd be a great company to work for. I feel like I owe them for helping me through such a difficult time. But mostly I'd really just like to work there.

I'd have to write Stacy* & Brent* if I chose to move back to Texas. I'd want them to know that I'm living there and at the same time, I don't want them to think I want anything from them. I'm not going to try & find them or threaten them as a family.

...I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

It's weird... mom was there for me during the hardest time of my life and I greatly appreciate that. I feel we are closer now& that I can talk to her about anything.

Now that we're home, she's pushing me to register for school & get a job. I want to do it; I need to do it... but in my own time. I'm not quite ready to deal with new people.

It seems like sometimes mom & dad forget what I went through... they think I'm A-okay, because they don't see me cry myself to sleep just about every night. I don't want them to have to worry about me so I kinda let the emotions out when I'm alone.

Maybe that's wrong of me...

Wow I can't believe Jake* is one month old today. It feels like just yesterday was the day I welcomed him into this world.

I hope he's doing okay. I hope Brent*& Stacy*are telling him how much he is loved...

So... I had a difficult time today I got asked the dreaded question:

"Do you have kids?"

I automatically said no because I didn't fell like getting into the story of adoption... but as soon as I said no my heart hurt because I felt like I was denying Jake*.

I don't know how to answer that question... mom says to answer with "I'm a godparent" I guess maybe that will work... I mean I believe God chose me to bring Jake* into this world for Brent* & Stacy*...

I found a birth parent support group to attend I think it will be beneficial for me to go. I need to meet people around me who know what I'm going through.

So I finally finished the updated Jake* video. I burned a copy to send to him. I also sent Jake * a CD with all the little videos of me & him. I want him to have those so he can see the special moments we shared, because they will always hold a special place in my heart.

So I talked to Britt* the other day. And wow she's in pretty bad shape. I know she got really attached to Ann* because she was in transitional for 30 days... and I know she was having a hard time coming back to Gladney; that's why she never showed up for my visits to meet Jake*... I wish I lived closer to her.

It kinda makes me feel as if I'm cold hearted or something. I miss Jake * greatly, but I'm okay with my decision. I know he is in good hands, & I know he is loved very much.

Maybe Kim was right... since I let my emotions out along the way. It makes things a little less emotional for me?

Maybe it's because I got a chance to form a friendship with Brent* & Stacy* and I'm confident in them as parent to Jake* & as friends to me.

...I hope Brit* will be okay.

...I hope I'm healing properly & that it's alright that I'm "okay"