Wow I can't believe Jake* is one month old today. It feels like just yesterday was the day I welcomed him into this world.

I hope he's doing okay. I hope Brent*& Stacy*are telling him how much he is loved...

So... I had a difficult time today I got asked the dreaded question:

"Do you have kids?"

I automatically said no because I didn't fell like getting into the story of adoption... but as soon as I said no my heart hurt because I felt like I was denying Jake*.

I don't know how to answer that question... mom says to answer with "I'm a godparent" I guess maybe that will work... I mean I believe God chose me to bring Jake* into this world for Brent* & Stacy*...

I found a birth parent support group to attend I think it will be beneficial for me to go. I need to meet people around me who know what I'm going through.

So I finally finished the updated Jake* video. I burned a copy to send to him. I also sent Jake * a CD with all the little videos of me & him. I want him to have those so he can see the special moments we shared, because they will always hold a special place in my heart.

So I talked to Britt* the other day. And wow she's in pretty bad shape. I know she got really attached to Ann* because she was in transitional for 30 days... and I know she was having a hard time coming back to Gladney; that's why she never showed up for my visits to meet Jake*... I wish I lived closer to her.

It kinda makes me feel as if I'm cold hearted or something. I miss Jake * greatly, but I'm okay with my decision. I know he is in good hands, & I know he is loved very much.

Maybe Kim was right... since I let my emotions out along the way. It makes things a little less emotional for me?

Maybe it's because I got a chance to form a friendship with Brent* & Stacy* and I'm confident in them as parent to Jake* & as friends to me.

...I hope Brit* will be okay.

...I hope I'm healing properly & that it's alright that I'm "okay"

Sigh. Birthmother's Day. It's been a constant day of thinking about Jake*...

I miss him so much. I miss his smell I miss his little noises. I miss his handsome face his big feet, & his beautiful smiles. I miss holding him, playing paddy cake & singing to him...I wish I could hold him again...just have one more day with him...

Stacy* & Brent* emailed me to wish me a Happy Birthmother's Day. They also sent some pictures in the email. Naturally I cried when I saw them. But they all look so happy. They make a beautiful family. I'm in pain, but seeing those pictures of the three of them still makes me believe this was God's plan for me----to make them a family...

It's good to be home. To see my dad & family, to see the dog, to sleep in my own bed.

The weird thing is; I'm emotionally okay. Yes it's only been 5 days & I know it may hit me later, but for now I'm okay. I don't know if it's because the reality of things haven't quite caught up to me, or maybe because of my relationship with Brent* & Stacy*.

I truly & honestly believe they are going to keep me updated on Jake*. And that they're going to raise Jake* with the knowledge of my existence.

I think my faith in them is why my heart is going to be okay...

I.'m sitting on the plane... When we took off I started crying because I knew I was leaving Jake*, Stacy* & Brent* behind and who know if or when I'd get the pleasure of seeing them again...

I've been fighting with myself on whether or not to tell friends where I really was & what I went through. I'm damn proud of Jake* and don't regret my decision. But at the same time, I don't think I'm ready to be judged if someone doesn't agree with adoption.

I guess I'll make my mind up when the opportunity to tell someone arises.